TeenHealthFX - Answers - Could I Be In An Abusive Relationship?

Dating Violence & Date Rape / Question
Published: May 30, 2006

Dear TeenHealthFX,

I'm 15 and have a bf. I love him so much, and we talk about being together for a long time. Im hoping it lasts, but what happens right? Well he has been violent in the past, and has hurt me. He nips, and lightly punches me. But sometimes he does a little more then that. He bit me the other day and he didnt realize it (or so he said) that he grabbed a chunk of my skin. It hurt really bad. I play around, not really hurting him...barely touching and sometimes he returns it but much harder. He tells me he doesn't like being rough, but he does anyways. He had a friend over the other night and was messing with his phone and kept calling me. (i was sitting right next to him) Then i stopped picking up, and he said "pick up your phone bitch". Hes never called me soemthing bad like that, even if he meant it to be playful it hurt. Especially in front of his frind. Could i be in a relationship that's violent and need to get out of? signed- Abusive Relationship??

Signed: Could I Be In An Abusive Relationship?

Dear Could I Be In An Abusive Relationship?,

TeenHealthFX absolutely agrees that this is a violent relationship that needs to end. Love should not hurt – and you should not let ANYONE treat you in a way where you end up physically or emotionally abused. It is not okay!

Teen dating violence covers a wide range of behaviors that include verbal and emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and physical violence. The following are examples of specific types of behaviors associated with dating violence:

Verbal or emotional abuse: includes name-calling, threats, screaming, yelling, ridiculing, criticizing, emotional blackmailing, and stalking.
Sexual abuse: includes verbal sexual abuse such as sexual slurs or attacks on the victim’s gender or sexual orientation, unwanted sexual touching and kissing, intimidation to force the victim to engage in any kind of sexual activity, and rape.
Physical Abuse: includes shoving, punching, slapping, pinching, hitting, kicking, hair pulling, choking, use of a weapon, and any other acts causing physical harm.

The following are some suggestions or what a person can do if he or she is a victim of teen dating violence:

Steps to Take:

If you are, or have any concerns that you may be, in an unhealthy dating relationship, talk to a trusted adult immediately. Adults who want to help you are interested in making sure that you are okay – they are not interested in judging you.
End the relationship with your abusive partner, and make sure the break is definite and final.
If you are worried about your safety before or following a break-up, get advice from teen violence prevention hotlines or teen counselors prior to the break-up on how to go about ending the relationship in a way that will ensure your safety.
Take whatever safety measures are necessary to protect yourself from the possibility of being alone with the abuser. Stay with friends whenever possible. Consider changing class schedules, or getting help from guidance counselor, school principal or the police, if needed.

Get help:

Don’t keep your worries to yourself – if you think you are in an abusive dating relationship, get some help immediately. Go to an adult you trust – teacher, school principal, family member, counselor
Contact a local victim’s service counselor. If you don’t know where to go, call 800-FYI-CALL for referral sources
Some people working with teens have to inform parents or the police if a minor tells them about an abusive situation – if this possibility worries you, ask about confidentiality at the outset.

Focus on safety:

Create your own safety plan with the help from a victim services provider
Safely planning means knowing in advance where to get help, who to call, how to escape danger – ask yourself:
Where would you go for help?
Who could you call?
Who would help you?
How would you escape a violent situation?
What precautions can you take to make yourself safer?

In addition to taking precautions to ensure that you are safely out of this relationship, FX thinks that it would be helpful for you to meet with a therapist to discuss any negative emotions you are experiencing as a result of being in this abusive relationship, as well as to figure out what happens for you that you end up loving and feeling so strongly about someone who is hurtful to you.

DATING VIOLENCE HOTLINES AND RESOURCES:

National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), 1-800-787-3224 (TTY line for deaf callers), 24 hours, 7days a week
NJ Statewide Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-572-SAFE (7233)
Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAIN), 1-800-656-HOPE (4673), 24 hours, 7days a week
NJ Division on Women 1-609-292-8840
Battered Lesbian Hotline, 1-800-224-0211
An Abuse, Rape and Domestic Violence Aid and Resource Collection - http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/states/njdv.shtml
Suicide & Crisis Hotline, 1-800-999-9999, 24 hours, 7 days a week
Youth Crisis Hotline, 1-800-448-4663, 24 hours, 7 days a week – for youths, 17 years of age or younger who are in crisis
If you know someone who is being stalked, contact the National Center for Victims of Crime Stalking Resource Center at 800-FYI-CALL M-F, 8:30am-8L30pm EST or visit their website at http://www.ncvc.org/src/index.html
If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area.
If you need immediate assistance in a crisis situation, call the police at 911.

Signed: TeenHealthFX