TeenHealthFX - Answers - Tired Of Bullies And My Parents Arguing

Bullying And Teen Violence / Question
Published: September 15, 2008

Dear TeenHealthFX,

I am a twelve year old girl and I started cutting myself because I am tired of bullies and my parents arguing and yelling all the time. Everyday at school a boy tells me no one likes me and I should go die. I have three friends, and I told my best friend about cutting myself. I know she cares but she can't help much. I stopped cutting because I was afriad of my parents finding out. But now I hate myself and I feel like I want to die sometimes. What do I do? I'm so confused...

Signed: Tired Of Bullies And My Parents Arguing

Dear Tired Of Bullies And My Parents Arguing,

It can be extremely frustrating and depressing to be dealing with a bully. It can feel absolutely terrible to be the target of someone’s anger and hate, and it can often feel like there is no way out of it. But there are ways in which bullying can successfully be dealt with. The website, Stop Bullying Now, offers useful information on what to do and what not to when responding to a bully. We have listed some of their suggestions below, and you can get further information by visiting their website at http://stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/index.asp?area=main.

Ways to Deal With Bullies:

Always tell an adult. It is extremely important that adults be aware of the situation so that they can provide you with support and guidance as to how to deal with the bullying, as well as to intervene directly with the bully. FX recommends that teens start by speaking with their parents. Teens who do not feel comfortable sharing their thoughts with their parents should speak with a teacher, school social worker or psychologist, guidance counselor, private therapist, doctor or the parent(s) of a friend.
Stay in groups so you can not be singled out as a target for bullies as easily.
If it feels safe to do so, find a way to stand up to your bully. It is a good idea to discuss with an adult ways in which you can assert yourself in a positive manner.
If you are bullied online, do not reply to any of the bully’s attempts to communicate with you. They do not deserve your time and consideration in terms of a reply.
Join clubs and activities that will allow you to meet new people and put you in a position to form friendships with people who will value and respect you, as well as help you if you are dealing with a bully.

What Not To Do If You Are Being Bullied:

Think it is your fault. Bullies are looking to hurt and control others – not because of anything that has been done to them by the person, but because of issues they have. Remember that if you are bullied you do not deserve it and it is not your fault!
Bully back. Bullying back generally does not help the situation, and often makes it worse because you can get in trouble or be viewed as an equal problem person in the situation. Plus you don’t want to stoop to their level.
Keep it to yourself. Bullying generally does not go away on its own. Steps must be taken and others need to help you with that.
Skip school or avoid activities. In the end, this affects your emotional, social, and intellectual growth – and we don’t want to give that kind of power to the bully. So it is important to come up with plans other than avoidance.
Hurt yourself. It is easy to feel sad, and even depressed, if you are being bullied. But harming yourself is not the answer because it won’t help the matter, and you end up punishing yourself rather than the bully having to deal with negative consequences of their actions.

Please visit the following website for more information on what to do and what not to do if you are being bullied: http://kidshealth.org/teen/school_jobs/bullying/bullies.html. You can also go to the following websites for more information about bullying and how to handle it:

Tolerance.org - http://www.tolerance.org
National Crime Prevention Council (NCPC) - http://www.ncpc.org
National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center (NYVPRC)
http://www.safeyouth.org
GirlsHealth.gov - http://www.girlshealth.gov

It may be helpful for you to meet with a therapist – either for individual sessions to learn the skills that will enable you to successfully deal with the bullying or for family treatment to address the relationship issues that are making you feel like you cannot go to them for help with this. If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

TeenHealthFX is glad that you stopped cutting since it won’t solve the problem and since you do not deserve to be hurt or punished in any way just because someone is being cruel to you. However, if you feel the urge to cut returning, or you start to cut again, please speak with an adult about this. You can also contact the Self-Injury Hotline (information only, not a crisis line) at 1-800-DON’T-CUT, 1-800-366-8288.

Since you do mention “wanting to die,” if you get to the point that you are seriously considering suicide or are afraid of your impulses then you need to seek help immediately. You can call 911 or go to your nearest hospital emergency room. In northern New Jersey you can also call the crisis hotline from Morristown Memorial hospital at 973-540-0100. Outside this area call the Suicide & Crisis Hotline, 1-800-999-9999, 24 hours, 7 days a week.

Signed: TeenHealthFX