Helping Friends/Loved Ones Who Are Suicidal Or In Abusive Situations / Question
Published: November 6, 2009
Dear TeenHealthFX,
Theres this boy who liked me from the time I was 13 (I'm 15 now) and a few weeks ago he told me that he's been having feelings for me for 2 years and that he wants us to start a relationship. The problem is that I don't like him and because of this he cuts himslef and cries all the time. He says that I'm the only reason that he's alive and that had it not been for me he would have killed himself by now. He says that all my "rejections" have made him attempt suicide several times and once on his facebook wall he wrote " some girls are too pretty to have a heart so they make you fall in love with the razor blade instead". I really don't want him to kill himself because of me but I don't want to date hime either. What am I supposed to do now? it makes me feel so guilty that he's suicidal because of me but I just don't have feelings for him. Please help me. I'm in desparate need of your help right now!!
Signed: Guy Tells Me He'll Suicide Without Me
Dear Guy Tells Me He'll Suicide Without Me,
TeenHealthFX is very concerned about your friend in terms of the emotional health issues he is currently dealing with, as well as his making these issues your problem and responsibility by implying it is up to whether or not he suicides. The fact of the matter is that if this person harms himself in any way because you won’t be his girlfriend, it is his choice – you are not to blame. It would be incredibly sad and tragic if he decided to make that choice, but that does not make it your fault.
FX suggests the following in terms of dealing with this situation:
Talk to your friend:
Start off by speaking to this person about your concerns. Let him know that you are extremely concerned that he is dealing with some kind of depression between his cutting, constant crying, and suicidal thoughts. Find out whether or not he is any kind of treatment – if he is, then encourage him to speak to his therapist about all the symptoms he experiences, as well as his feeling that he doesn’t want to live unless you date him. If he is not in therapy, let him know that you think it is critical for him to meet with a therapist right now to talk about all these issues.
Be gentle, but clear with him that you do not want to date him right now. Explain to him that you feel his focus right now should not be on dating, but on dealing with these issues. Tell him you understand that he feels that by dating you that will make everything better – but that you see it differently. Explain that your view is that he needs treatment from a mental health professional in order to get better, not a girlfriend. Reiterate that you do care about him and what happens to him, and that you hope that he makes the choice to get help for himself from trained professionals experienced in working with teens with depression because you do not want to see him hurt himself.
You can also give him the following resources:
· If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.
· If you get to the point that you are seriously considering suicide or are afraid of your impulses then you need to seek help immediately. You can call 911 or go to your nearest hospital emergency room. In northern New Jersey you can also call the crisis hotline from Morristown Memorial hospital at 973-540-0100. Outside this area call the Suicide & Crisis Hotline, 1-800-999-9999, 24 hours, 7 days a week.
Speak to an adult:
Given that this person appears to be so depressed and is making statements and threats about suicide, FX thinks that it is very important that there are adults who are aware of the situation. If you have the kind of relationship with his parents where you can speak to them, let them know what is going on. Otherwise consider speaking with a school counselor and/or your parents so that some trusted adults can be involved to ensure your friend gets the help he needs from trained professionals.
FX certainly hopes that for the sake of your friend, and all of the people who know him and care about him, that he never makes the choice to kill himself. However, if he does it is important to know that it is not your fault and responsibility. If you encourage him to get help from a trained professional and tell at last one trusted adult who can intervene on your friend’s behalf, that is the most you can do. The choice, in the end, is your friend’s – whether he wants to seek out help, whether he wants to work towards positive change, and whether he wants to live.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
One in four teenage girls in the 
