Dating Violence & Date Rape / Question
Published: September 5, 2003
Dear TeenHealthFX,
I'm a 15 y/o and used to be seeing a 21 y/o. He used to like acting out fantasy rape and liked to hit me while we were doing it. I agreed to go along with it, but one time I really did want him to stop. I told him to stop but I think he just thought I was just pretending to make it seem more real because he used to tell me to beg him to stop. I'm confused because I don't know if this means that he raped me or not, because I guess I shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place.
Signed: Fantasy Rape Confusion
Dear Fantasy Rape Confusion,
TeenHealthFX urges you not to blame yourself for what happened. No matter what the sexual act or role-playing that is involved, at any point you have the right to tell your partner to stop and he/she must comply with your request. Although you were acting out a rape fantasy, he should be able to distinguish role-playing from genuine distress. Since your partner ignored your pleas his actions meet the criteria for sexual assault. He could also be charged with sexual contact with a minor (statuary rape). Even if you are of legal age of consent in your state, the 4-year age difference makes it a crime.
One of the reasons the legal system mandates an age of consent for sexual relations and imposes other guidelines is to protect the young adolescent from being manipulated by an older person. Studies show that when there is a large age difference there tends to be an inequity in power. In your case, there seemed some reluctance to go along with acting out fantasy rape - you said "I agreed to go along with it." TeenHealthFX gets the feeling that you were not comfortable with the idea and were talked into it. Rape fantasies are a form of sexual role-playing that has the potential to get out of control. Some men like to engage in them because they are stimulated by the violence associated with it or want to dominate their partner completely. As you can imagine the potential for harm is great in these interactions.
Having rape fantasies does not always mean that a person is expressing a deviant form of sexuality. It is imperative that couples that engage in this form of role-playing have a strong mutual trust and have and understanding that it must be comfortable for both partners. They should take out the fantasy and develop a signal that clearly lets the other person know that they want the encounter to stop.
All of this must be very confusing for you and leaving you with a lot of mixed emotions.
TeenHealthFX strongly encourages you to seek counseling with a therapist who is specially trained in dealing with victims of sexual abuse. The therapist can help you with the emotions you have been dealing with as well as help you decide if you want to press charges against this man. There are also groups for people who have been sexually abused. Group members share their experience, strength and hope and lend support as you come to terms with your ordeal.
If you would like to fin a therapist or group in your area or more information about sexual abuse log onto the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAIN) website or call them at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673), 24 hours, 7days a week
Signed: TeenHealthFX
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