Parents & Family / Question
Published: January 29, 2010
Dear TeenHealthFX,
Yesterday, my mom and my brother had a HUGE fight. They were yelling at each other and my mom was throwing things (not AT him, she was just really mad.) I didn't know what to do so I just watched it quietly. No one got hurt, but the fight was so bad that I was about to call the police. I had the phone in my hand and was about to dial 911 but then I decided not to call. I was scared that I was just over-reacting because no one actually got hurt. There was just a lot of verbal abuse, yelling, and throwing things. I was scared that if I did call the police, they would think that this fight was not worth calling the cops over for because no physical harm was done. I was scared that they might not help.
BTW, I also think my mom had every right to get mad. She has done so much for my brother, and he is too disrespectful and unappreciative of her. It seemed like the bottled up anger of 17 years of putting up with my brother's behavior finally exploded. How do I help smooth out my brother and her relationship?
Signed: Mother Exploded Over Brother's Behavior
Dear Mother Exploded Over Brother's Behavior,
It probably is not a good idea to for you to take on the responsibility of improving your mother and brother’s relationship. It sounds too volatile and there is a good chance to would only get caught in the middle. Your mother may have had a good reason to be mad at your brother but nothing justifies the way she reacted. No bodily harm was done this time, but what’s to say that it won’t get physical next time. It may seem harsh to call the police on family members but this is usually done because you are afraid someone is going to get hurt. The police respond to many family disturbances where no physical altercations have taken place. Their goal is to try and resolve the dispute, but if someone has been assaulted, then they are forced to make an arrest. Many police departments also have access to crisis intervention services where a mental health worker will respond to the scene to try and mediate the dispute.
You need to sit down with your mother, father (if he is present) and your brother and let them know how their actions are affecting you. Do not focus on their behavior but rather how their behavior affected you. Let them know how much this situation scared you and the fear you had for their well-being, as well as your own. Make it clear that the next time a fight escalates to the point where people are throwing things or you are afraid someone is going to get hurt that you are going to call the police to have them intervene. Empathize that this is a safety issue and the last thing you want is for someone to get in trouble.
Suggest to your parent(s) that this behavior affects the entire family and as a result the family should attend therapy together. The family therapist could assist your mother in developing more effective strategies for dealing with your brother. There are many more resourceful and safer ways for coping with difficult behavior besides screaming and throwing objects. Family violence can have negative effect on non-combative family members and cause them significant emotional distress. Hopefully your parent(s) will recognize the seriousness of the situation and agree to get help for the family. If not it would be a really good idea for you to talk to someone about how the situation is impacting you. You could seek out a mental health professional, talk with a counselor at school, and/or speak with another family member or an adult in your life that you trust. Even though you were not in the fight it can impact you in a negative way.
If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 888-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
The highest Chlamydia rates occurred among women ages 15 to 19 and 20 to 24.
