TeenHealthFX would like to start out by stating that we are sorry that you were raped by your friend. FX can appreciate that there are many people out there who have dealt with, or are dealing with, mental illnesses and/or environmental stressors that can affect their mood and behavior – however, we truly feel for you that you were affected in the way you were by what your friend is going through.
FX appreciates that you feel for your friend and whatever he is going through right now. It is difficult seeing someone we care about suffering in some way. And since you obviously care about him, it makes sense that you would rather see him get the help he needs than to receive some kind of arbitrary punishment.
While FX can understand that a part of you would feel compassionate towards him, we are concerned that there is no part of you that feels sad or angry that he took out his issues on you in such a terrible way. Even though he has been through a lot, that does not mean it is okay for him to have done what he did. Whatever he has been through and whatever he was taking that night does not rationalize or justify that he committed a crime and disrespected an obviously caring friend. It is a wonderful quality to have compassion for others, but it is also a wonderful quality to be able to hold others accountable for their feelings, decisions, and behaviors. If you feel forgiving of your friend, that’s fine – but FX thinks that it is important for you to insist that he take responsibility for what he did – more than just an apology. This might include participating in treatment that will address his rape, and/or participating in treatment that will address his substance use and the things he may do as a result of being intoxicated.
If you care about this person and yourself, FX thinks it is important for you to insist that he get help for himself. You could tell him that you need him to get help for himself and that he can consider the following as far as where to go for help:
· If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.
· Choices is a counseling group through JBWS (Jersey Battered Women’s Services) for male teens, ages 12-17, who have begun using abuse in relationships. If you live in northern New Jersey and want to learn more about the Choices program, call 973-539-7801.
· Call the Sexual Abuser Treatment Referral Line at 1-802-247-3132, Monday-Friday from 9am-4:30pm if you are interested in locating a treatment provider for an individual with sexual behavior problems.
If your friend refuses to seek help for himself, then FX recommends that you speak with a trusted adult about what happened, as well as a lawyer to see if you could prosecute with the intention of having treatment mandated rather than just jail time. As stated above, your friend should be doing something as a consequence of his actions.
FX does recommend that you speak with a trusted adult, such as your parents, a school counselor, extended family member, or therapist trained in working with victims of sexual assaults so that you can explore this matter further. As stated above, FX appreciates that part of you that feels compassion for your friend and that wants him to get the help he needs. However, we do think it would be completely normal, understandable and even expected for you to feel somewhere in you a sense of sadness, anger, and/or betrayal that you had to go through what you did because of his issues.
If you live in northern