Was In Love With Second Cousin, Who Is Now Suicidal
Published: February 27, 2009
i have a relationship problem and i noe im too young for relationship problems (14) and now i totally understand why my parents tell me i shudnt date until im 22. i am adopted, and i THOUGHT i was in love with my second cousin (not physically).he loves me so much and he never stops telling me. he's perfect in every way except for one, he's always thinking about committing suicide. i love him very much, but not only is it starting to fade because he lives 45 minutes away and goes to a different school. he's been depressed for a long time now and no matter what i try to do or help, he just always feels so down. he tells me im the only thing that keeps him alive and once he said that if i were to ever stop loving him he'd die (like lieterally, his life is so miserable that he was JUST about to take an overdosage of sleeping pills). i feel trapped in a corner, he realizes it, but to be honest; he's not very good at backing off. so, i've been the one backing off VERY SLOWLY but slightly noticeable. the problem is, his birthday is comming up and our parents have arranged a sleepover for me to go to his house (we wont have sex, he just wants to hug me for long peiods of time). i'm scare and dont know how to react. i guess the reason i fell for him was because he was different, but ever since we've confesssed our love he has been a different person. The way he acts and talks. he's not as fun as he used to be. he has a wild immagination, like if someting goes well he immagines us on a rooftop or at the beach. or even at wedding altar if possible. or if something goes bad (he says he cant help it), he thinks that i mite cheat on him or something or think of the worst possible senrios. i have no courage whatsoever to tell him anything, so i plan everything, i feel brave, i talk with him, i back down. what should i do?
Signed: Was In Love With Second Cousin, Who Is Now Suicidal
Dear Was In Love With Second Cousin, Who Is Now Suicidal,
TeenHealthFX is sorry to hear that your cousin is feeling so depressed and suicidal. We can understand why you would be so worried and confused as to how to deal with this situation. FX thinks that you should start by speaking to your cousin about your concerns. Let him know that you think he needs to meet with a mental health professional to deal with his depression and suicidal impulses. Tell your cousin that you will be happy to be there to support him in whatever way he needs, but that you think he should not be focusing on a relationship with you right now, but rather putting his energy and attention into getting himself well. And be clear that you want to help him in whatever way you can, but that you see this is a problem that is bigger than what you can handle – and is something for his parents to know about and help him with, as well as a therapist. Let him know that you are saying all of this to him out of care and concern for his emotional well-being, not as a way to be rejecting or dismissive of him.
If your cousin will not seek help for himself, FX thinks that is it very important for you to tell a trusted adult about your concerns as soon as possible. You can talk to his parents, your parents, or whatever other adult you feel can intervene on his behalf and ensure that he receives the mental health treatment he needs. FX also thinks it is important for you to have adults whom you can speak with as well so that you can get guidance and support in how to best help your cousin. You could speak with your parents, a counselor at school, or your own private therapist.
As for this sleepover, FX suggests that you think about whether this sleepover will be something that will be good for the two of you, or will create more tension or problems in some way for either one of you or for the relationship. If you do not think it is a good idea to go for a sleepover, come up with another idea of how you and he can celebrate his birthday in a way where you will not feel in such an uncomfortable or awkward situation.
You can also give your cousin the following information:
If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 888-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.
If you get to the point that you are seriously considering suicide or are afraid of your impulses then you need to seek help immediately. You can call 911 or go to your nearest hospital emergency room. In northern New Jersey you can also call the crisis hotline from Morristown Memorial hospital at 973-540-0100. Outside this area call the Suicide & Crisis Hotline, 1-800-999-9999, 24 hours, 7 days a week.