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How To Help Friends And My Own Nightmares And Stress

Published: April 11, 2009
Dear TeenHealthFX,
A lot has happened in the past three months that have been causing a lot of stress for me. In January I learned that one of my friends was having suicidal thoughts and even witnessed an attempt to kill herself. Also towards the end of the month one of my friends that I had known for a few years passed away from an increasing tumor. In February another friend was starting to have family problems, her parents were going through a divorce. Then after Valentines Day I was having major problems with a guy I liked. We started getting into a series of arguments over nothing. Now he avoids me at every possible chance. I’m pretty much heart broken, I lost a good friend like him and I have no idea how to get him back. I’ve tried talking to my close friends about all of the problems that have come up, but they just don’t seem to understand me. I feel like no one cares anymore and I’ve lost a lot of hope. I really don’t know what to do anymore and I feel like everything has been going downhill for me. I’ve been crying a lot more than normal, feeling very tired/stressed everyday, getting small headaches, and been having weird eating habits. For example at times I don’t eat anything at all, simply because I’m not in the mood. At other times I literally cant stop eating. Recently, this month, I’ve been having series of nightmares. So here are my questions: How can I help my friend with the suicidal thoughts and attempts? How can I support my friend who is going through the divorces? How can I get over heartbreak and possibly repair our damaged friendship? Are the sudden eating habits normal? Is there a reason why I’ve been having nightmares? How can I reduce stress? Thank you!
Signed: How To Help Friends And My Own Nightmares And Stress

Dear How To Help Friends And My Own Nightmares And Stress,

 

TeenHealthFX understands that you are going through a tremendous amount right now between your own personal issues and those of your friends. FX could appreciate in dealing with all of this you might find that you are stressed, depressed, lonely, scared, and even angry – so it would make sense to us that you might be having nightmares or that your eating habits might be changing as a result. Nightmares, sleep habits, eating patterns – these are all things that can easily change when people are dealing with various negative emotions.

FX thinks that it is important that you find ways to be helpful to your friends without becoming overly responsible for them. That is, to be there with love and support but to remember that you cannot fix their problems and to be clear that it is not up to you alone to help them with what they are going through. FX does think that it is important to be there for loved ones in their times of need. However, when you take on too much responsibility for other people’s problems it is easy for your own emotional well-being to be compromised.

That said, FX thinks that it is important for you to tell your friend who is suicidal how concerned you are about her and that you want her to speak with her parents and/or a school counselor about setting up mental health treatment for herself. Stress to your friend that her life can get better, but that she needs professional help from therapist right now to make that happen. And stress to your friend that you will tell an adult about what is going on if she does not tell her parents what is going on and get herself into therapy. She may be angry with you about this, but let her know you’d rather she be angry at you than hurt herself.

 

You can also give your friend the following information:

  • If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 888-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

 

·        If you get to the point that you are seriously considering suicide or are afraid of your impulses then you need to seek help immediately. You can call 911 or go to your nearest hospital emergency room. In northern New Jersey you can also call the crisis hotline from Morristown Memorial hospital at 973-540-0100. Outside this area call the Suicide & Crisis Hotline, 1-800-999-9999, 24 hours, 7 days a week.

 

As for your friend whose parents are going through a divorce, let her know that you care about her and want to be helpful in any way you can. Tell her if she needs a shoulder to lean on or someone to just vent to, that you are here for her. Also encourage her to meet with a therapist or to join a support group for children and teens of divorcing or divorced parents. Let your friend know that you will also be there to listen and to care – but you think it would also be helpful for her to have the support and guidance of a trained professional. When your friend vents to you, don’t feel like you have to solve the problem – know that you are doing a tremendous amount by listening and being sympathetic. And if she asks for your advice and you have none to give, it is okay to tell her that. It is absolutely fine to say something like, “Wow, that’s a tough question. And I don’t know if I have a good answer. Maybe you could ask the school counselor or meet with a therapist. They probably have so much experience with this stuff, I bet they could help you solve this one.”

You could give your friend the following information:

  • If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.
  • You can look into Rainbows, a non-profit, international organization that works to help children and teens who have had to deal with some kind of loss in their lives.

 

As for your dating relationship, FX knows how hard it is to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend and, as you said, to deal with the heartbreak and to go on without a special friend. Since you mentioned there was a lot of arguing, FX wonders if you were taking a lot of your stress out on the relationship. It is very easy to do that – when we’re going through a tough time it is very easy to take our emotions out on our loved ones. If that was the case you might try talking to him and letting him know that you have been going through a lot lately and may have taken out some of your stress on him. Let him know how much you are missing him, especially the friendship and that you would like to maintain some kind of contact, or least not have things feel tense or awkward between the two of you.

FX strongly suggests that you meet with a therapist. For one thing, you are dealing with friends who are going through very difficult times – and in order to be there for them it is important for you to have your own source of support and guidance. In addition, it sounds like you could use help in learning how to more effectively deal with your stress – and a therapist could be a great outlet for you in getting all kinds of negative feelings out, as well as in learning stress reduction techniques. It is also clear to FX that you are not feeling you have anyone who is listening to you and really understanding what you are going through – again, you might find a therapist to be very helpful to you in this way.

If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

As for stress reduction techniques, FX recommends that you read I.M. Stressed.

Signed: TeenHealthFX

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