Given that you have been depressed for the past 18 months, that your depression is getting worse, and that you are having such persistent thoughts about suicide FX thinks that it is very important for you to be working with an experienced mental health professional. FX can appreciate that you wanted out of your last therapy experience given that you “find humans disgusting.” This statement tells FX that you have a lot of anger when it comes to people, and we assume it is also difficult for you to see people as caring and compassionate. If this is the case, FX can imagine you would not feel comfortable meeting with a therapist – that you would be concerned that this person will not be caring or compassionate and maybe even worried that this person would be judgmental and hurtful in some way.
When there is a negative view about people, therapy can be difficult because you are making yourself vulnerable to a person. The very person who is there to help you also represents all of the things about people in general you do not like – so it can be a tough situation. But it absolutely doesn’t mean it is a hopeless one. If you want to address these issues, FX suggests you focus on the following:
· Find a therapist with whom you feel most comfortable with. There will probably not be anyone that you will be 100% comfortable with given your feeling about people in general, but find the best possible person for you given where you are at right now.
· Focus the beginning of the therapy with how you feel about people – finding them “disgusting” – and talk about how that affects your then being able to open up to this therapist sitting in front of you.
· Given what you have said, FX does think focusing on anger is going to be important for you in therapy at whatever you point you are comfortable to talk about that. There is often an underlying anger to depression and thoughts of suicide – and being “disgusted” with people certainly represents angry feelings. Productive therapy for you will most likely involve working through the anger you have – and any therapist you meet with should be able to work with anger and the various ways it can manifest itself.
If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 888-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.
If you get to the point that you are seriously considering suicide or are afraid of your impulses then you need to seek help immediately. You can call 911 or go to your nearest hospital emergency room. In northern New Jersey you can also call the crisis hotline from Morristown Memorial hospital at 973-540-0100. Outside this area call the Suicide & Crisis Hotline, 1-800-999-9999, 24 hours, 7 days a week.