Safer Dating Practices

FX Answers

Dating and exploring new relationships – just one of the many wonderful experiences for adolescents. But what happens when dating no longer feels wonderful because of abuse? Teen Dating Violence is a very real and serious problem for many adolescents today. Some teens do not even realize the extent to which abuse may be present in their relationships – and others do not know how to get themselves out of terrible dating situations.

This Hot Topic focuses on recognizing signs of abuse in dating relationships, as well as what to do if you feel you are or may be in an abusive or violent relationship.

Teen dating violence consists of abusive and violent behavior in both heterosexual and homosexual teen dating relationships and is a serious problem for many adolescents in our society. The abuse in these dysfunctional relationships reflects the perpetrator’s desire to control and dominate the victim. These abusive situations need to be taken very seriously as teen dating violence can cause long-term emotional and physical harm.

Teen dating violence covers a wide range of behaviors that include verbal and emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and physical violence. The following are examples of specific types of behaviors associated with dating violence:

Verbal or emotional abuse: includes name-calling, threats, screaming, yelling, ridiculing, criticizing, emotional blackmailing, and stalking.
Sexual abuse: includes verbal sexual abuse such as sexual slurs or attacks on the victim’s gender or sexual orientation, unwanted sexual touching and kissing, intimidation to force the victim to engage in any kind of sexual activity, and rape.
Physical Abuse: includes shoving, punching, slapping, pinching, hitting, kicking, hair pulling, choking, use of a weapon, and any other acts causing physical harm.

FACTS ON TEEN DATING VIOLENCE

Is Teen Dating Violence Really a Big Problem?

In one survey, over 40% of male and female high school students said they had been victims of dating violence at least once
15% of teen girls and boys have reported being victims of severe dating violence (defined as being hit, kicked, thrown down or attacked with a weapon) in the past year
8% of 8^th and 9^th grade students have reported being victims of sexual dating violence

Who are the victims of teen dating violence?

Teens in all ethnic groups, socioeconomic groups, and geographic regions experience dating violence
Both male and female teens may be victims, but boys generally inflict more serious physical injuries on girls than vice versa

Who is most at risk?

Boys are more likely to be pinched, slapped, scratched, or kicked by dating partners
Girls are much more at risk for severe violence, sexual violence, and injuries requiring medical attention, are more likely to be punched and forced to engage in unwanted sexual activity, and tend to experience more psychological abuse from dating partners than boys do
Some girls become pregnant as the result of rape or because their boyfriends will not let them use contraceptives.
Pregnant teens are at a greater risk for physical assault by intimate partners
Young women, ages 16-24, experience the highest rates of relationship violence

Who are the perpetrators?

Both male and female teens commit dating violence – but boys initiate the violence more often, use greater force, and are more repeatedly abusive to their dating partners than girls
Almost three-quarters of perpetrators have been victims of teen dating violence

TEENS WHO STAY IN ABUSIVE DATING RELATIONSHIPS

Why teens don’t tell friends or parents what is happening?

Fear that parents will make them break-up
Feelings of embarrassment or shame.
Fear of getting hurt by their partner
Convinced it is their fault or that their parents will blame them or be disappointed in them
Confusion – thinking this is what dating is all about
Afraid of losing privileges like staying out late

Believe being involved with someone is the most important thing in their life
Think they are not being abused
Don’t think friends or others would believe this is happening
They know the abuser acts nicely – sometimes

What keeps teens in abusive dating relationships?

Continued emotional attachment; feeling in love with or attracted to the abuser
Fear the abuser will hurt or kill them if they leave
Lack of experience with healthy, non-abusive relationships
Confusing jealousy and possessiveness with love and romance
Social pressure to have and keep a boyfriend/girlfriend
Isolation and alienation from friends and family members
Feelings of low self-esteem and lack of confidence

HOW CAN I TELL IF I AM A VICTIM, OR AT RISK OF BEING A VICTIM, OF TEEN DATING VIOLENCE?

Do I notice any of the following tendencies in my dating relationship?

Is my boyfriend/girlfriend:

Jealous and possessive?
Controlling and bossy?
Quick tempered, with a history of fighting?
Violent towards me or other people?

Does my dating partner:

Give me orders and make all the decisions?
Check up on me all the time?
Refuse to allow me normal contact with friends and family?
Try to humiliate me?
Call me names and insult me?
Accuse me of having no sense of humor?
Accuse me of provocation?
Force or coerce me into having sex when I don’t want to?
Use alcohol or drugs and pressure me to do the same?
Pressure me to have unprotected sex?
Like to wrestle with me “playfully” and hurt me?

Has my dating partner:

Threatened or attempted to commit suicide if I leave the relationship or don’t do what he/she wants?
Harassed or threatened me, or a former dating partner
Refused to accept the relationship is not working or is over

Do I have the tendency to feel any of the following about my relationship?

Confusion about the violence and my relationship in general
Anxiety about what will happen to me
Uneasiness about how to deal with the situation
Shame of knowing something is not right
Self-blame feeling I did something to provoke the violence
Low self-esteem; feel I don’t deserve to be treated well
Fear of being seriously hurt or becoming pregnant
Depression; feeling despair, tearful, helpless, hopeless, suicidal
Denial – a tendency to deny or minimize the violence
Defending the abuser – protecting him or her from blame
Use of alcohol or drugs to escape anxiety and pain
Feelings of loneliness and isolation because abuser has stopped any kind of normal social life

Other warning signs of being a victim of dating violence:

Sudden changes in clothes or make-up
Bruises, scratches, burns or other injuries
Failing grades or dropping out of school activities
Isolating from friends
Indecisiveness
Sudden changes in mood or personality; becoming secretive
Changes in eating or sleeping habits; frequent crying; avoiding eye contact
Constantly thinking about dating partner
Wearing a beeper – responding immediately to pages and calls
Using drugs or alcohol
Pregnancy – some girls think having a baby will make thinks better; others are forced to have sex

GUIDENLINES FOR MAINTAINING SAFE DATING PRACTICES:

Teens need to receive open communication and overt guidelines from parents about safe dating. If you do not have a close relationship with your parents, find another trusted adult to discuss dating with (i.e., aunt, uncle, teacher, coach, school counselor, etc)

Points to remember In Choosing Who To Date And Who Not To Date:

It does not matter what the pattern or nature of the abuse is, if there is abuse then it is a sign of an unhealthy relationship
In healthy, non-abusive relationships, partners do not hurt each other
You are not to blame for your partner’s abusive or hurtful actions
Abusers as solely responsible for their behavior – no matter what their habits or weaknesses
Alcohol and drug use can partly explain partner abuse, but can never excuse it or make it right
Respect yourself and remember you are a special and worthy person – your dating partner does not have the right to tell you who to see, what to wear, what to do. No one has the right to hit or control anyone else.
The person you choose to date should help to bring out your wonderful qualities, and should not create problems in terms of how well you are functioning at school, work, and in friend and family relationships.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE A VICTIM OF TEEN DATING VIOLENCE

Steps to Take:

If you are, or have any concerns that you may be, in an unhealthy dating relationship, talk to a trusted adult immediately. Adults who want to help you are interested in making sure that you are okay – they are not interested in judging you.
End the relationship with your abusive partner, and make sure the break is definite and final.
If you are worried about your safety before or following a break-up, get advice from teen violence prevention hotlines or teen counselors prior to the break-up on how to go about ending the relationship in a way that will ensure your safety.
Take whatever safety measures are necessary to protect yourself from the possibility of being alone with the abuser. Stay with friends whenever possible. Consider changing class schedules, or getting help from guidance counselor, school principal or the police, if needed.

Get help:

Don’t keep your worries to yourself – if you think you are in an abusive dating relationship, get some help immediately. Go to an adult you trust – teacher, school principal, family member, counselor
Contact a local victim’s service counselor. If you don’t know where to go, call 800-FYI-CALL for referral sources
Some people working with teens have to inform parents or the police if a minor tells them about an abusive situation – if this possibility worries you, ask about confidentiality at the outset.

Focus on safety:

Create your own safety plan with the help from a victim services provider
Safely planning means knowing in advance where to get help, who to call, how to escape danger – ask yourself:
Where would you go for help?
Who could you call?
Who would help you?
How would you escape a violent situation?
What precautions can you take to make yourself safer?

Teen Mothers Who Are In Abusive Relationships:

If you are a teen mother it is especially important to seek help and advice to ensure the safety and welfare of you child/children. Victim services professionals are there to advise and assist you – they can help you to find the support and services you need.

DATING VIOLENCE HOTLINES AND RESOURCES:

National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), 1-800-787-3224 (TTY line for deaf callers), 24 hours, 7days a week
NJ Statewide Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-572-SAFE (7233)
Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAIN), 1-800-656-HOPE (4673), 24 hours, 7days a week
NJ Division on Women 1-609-292-8840
Battered Lesbian Hotline, 1-800-224-0211
An Abuse, Rape and Domestic Violence Aid and Resource Collection
Suicide & Crisis Hotline, 1-800-273-8255, 24 hours, 7 days a week
Youth Crisis Hotline, 1-800-448-4663, 24 hours, 7 days a week – for youths, 17 years of age or younger who are in crisis
If you know someone who is being stalked, contact the National Center for Victims of Crime Stalking Resource Center at 800-FYI-CALL M-F, 8:30am-8L30pm EST.
If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 888-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area.
If you need immediate assistance in a crisis situation, call the police at 911.

Referrals For Offenders:

Call the Sexual Abuser Treatment Referral Line at 1-802-247-3132, Monday-Friday from 9am-4:30pm if you are interested in locating a treatment provider for an individual with sexual behavior problems.

For referral sources listed by county in New Jersey for abusers and victims in violent dating relationships, go to: LSNJ LAW: You And The Law In New Jersey