TeenHealthFX cannot tell you what to do to ease your discomfort – only you can know what the right decision for you is. What we can do is give you some things to think about – questions that you can think about on your own, discuss with your boyfriend, and/or talk about with a trusted friend or adult, so that you can decide what is the right decision for you in this situation.
Are Your Ready To Have Sex?
As far as whether to become sexually active, you have several things to think about:
· Are you ready to accept responsibility for practicing safer sex to protect yourself against the transmission of STDs and unwanted pregnancies? This can include using protection, such as condoms and a back-up birth control method such as the pill, as well as asking your boyfriend to be tested for STDs since he has been sexually active.
· Are you prepared to deal with the consequences of becoming pregnant or transmitting an STD if you do decide to become sexually active? The only way to protect yourself from these things 100% is abstinence. Once you become sexually active, there is a possibility that either could happen. Do you feel prepared to deal with this possibility?
· Do you feel emotionally ready to become sexually active? A lot of strong feelings can come up for people when they lose their virginity or have sex in general.
· Do you feel the nature of your relationship with your boyfriend is the way you would want it to be when you think of bringing sex into a relationship? Do you feel close enough to him, do you love him, and do you feel he loves and respects you?
· Does having sex at your age and/or before marriage go against any cultural or religious beliefs? If so, are you okay with this or is it going to create too much of a conflict within you?
· Are you fully aware of all that goes on in terms of the physical act of sex? It may sound like a silly question, but there are many people who may have no information or misinformation about what goes on with the male and female bodies during sex.
· Is your mother (or any other close family members) going to disapprove of your having sex at this age and/or before marriage? If so, would having sex bring on feelings of guilt that would be too unpleasant or unbearable? And, if so, would you be okay about having sex knowing that there is always a possibility she could find out? Only you can know what will bother you more – waiting to have sex or going against the beliefs of your family.
Discussing The Topic of Sex With Parents
As for your relationship with your mother, FX suggests that you sit down with her and speak about your concerns. You don’t have to be as specific as you were with us if you don’t want to be, but you could tell your mother that it is important the two of you have an open and close relationship and that you would like to ask her a few questions. Consider asking her the following:
· “Do you feel comfortable talking with me in general about sex?”
· “What are your beliefs in terms of people first having sex? Do you think they should be in love, be married, or what?”
· “What are your hopes for me in terms of when you imagine I will first have sex?”
· “How will you feel if my beliefs about sex are different from yours?”
· “Will you feel comfortable if I share my experiences about my first time with you when the time comes?”
· “If you know I’ve had sex or am having sex, will that change your view of me, how you feel about me, or rules you would set for me?”
By opening up these general questions about sex with your mother, FX thinks that you will get a better idea of where she stands and how she feels as far as your becoming sexually active – and that might help you in making your decision. If any of your mother’s responses to your questions worry you or upset you, let her know that. The most helpful thing you can do here if you want to have an open and close relationship with your mother is to introduce the topic of sex – learn about her beliefs and feelings, and introduce some of yours. Hopefully you can get to a point where you can throw out to her some of your concerns, confusions and worries and she can help you to sort them through.
Where To Go When Talking To Parents Doesn’t Feel Like An Option
In an ideal world, it would be great for teens and their parents to be able to sit down and talk about sex in an open and honest way that didn’t involve anger or criticism – but FX appreciates that this is not always the case. If you do not feel comfortable discussing sex – questions, concerns, and confusions about sex – with parents, then think about what other trusted adults are available to speak to. Consider some of the following:
· School counselor
· School nurse
· Health teacher
· Primary care physician, adolescent medicine specialist, or gynecologist
· An extended family member, such as a grandmother or aunt
· A counselor or medical care provider at a Planned Parenthood clinic
· The parent of a friend
· A private therapist
There is a lot to consider when it comes to being sexually active, and it is always helpful to have trusted adults to provide support and guidance and you decide what is right for you and what is best for your physical and emotional well-being.