TeenHealthFX can appreciate the difficulty – particularly for teens – of feeling left out with friends. We understand that this must be a tough situation for you in terms of having your friends talk about something you can’t relate to in the same way. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean the solution is for you to go out and have sex just so that you can join in on these talks. FX cannot tell you what the solution is and what you should do here – only you can know what will help you to feel better in the long-run. But we will give you some things to think about and consider as you figure out how to deal with your sadness and frustration about this.
· Since you said that you sometimes cry because you are not like your friends, FX is concerned that you are seeing your friends in a more positive light than you are seeing yourself. The fact that you have not yet had sex and that you are someone who wants to wait until you are truly ready and the time is right are very special qualities. It sounds like you are putting a lot of value on your friends’ choices to have sex, and you are not putting enough value on who you are and your belief system that has made you decide to wait. There is a saying: “To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are.” By wishing to be like your friends in this way you are not embracing who you are and how wonderful you are. So rather than focusing on how to be more like your friends, accept and embrace who you are as a person. And remember that if you make decisions to fit in where you have to act like someone you are not, you will never find peace and happiness because you will not be honoring who you truly are underneath.
· If it bothers you so much to be around these talks, FX urges you to let your friends know how you feel. Real and true friends would not want to be conducting themselves in a way that is hurtful. If these are true friends who really care about you, and you let them know that all this sex talk is hard for you given that you feel so left out, then they should respect what you say and veer towards other topics when you are around. If you express these feelings and they disregard what you have to say, then FX thinks it would be helpful to consider how good a friend each of these people really is.
· FX also wants you to consider your values and beliefs and those of your friends. Do you think there are some core values and beliefs that you hold that are just different from your friends? If so, do you think you can live with these differences and be accepting of them, or do you think it would be helpful for you to meet some new people and develop some new friendships with people whose values are more in synch with your own? That doesn’t mean you have to ditch this group of friends – but perhaps it would feel better to have some people to talk to who can relate to being a virgin and wanting to wait until the right time before they start up a sexual relationship with someone.
· FX is concerned that you may be glamorizing your friends’ decisions to have sex. Too many teens have sex before they are truly ready. They may not be entirely ready to take the necessary precautions and responsibilities of protecting themselves from unwanted pregnancies and the transmission of STDs. They may not be emotionally ready to handle all of the feelings that can go along with sex. They may not be socially ready to really get all of the relationship dynamics that can go on between two people who choose to sleep together. If they have many partners they increase their risk of transmitting an STD and they run the risk of developing a negative reputation for themselves among their peers. If they seem indifferent to the emotions and relationships dynamics that can go on in sexual relationships, than that concerns FX because sex between two people is a big deal and should be seen and treated as such. It sounds like you are viewing your friends’ experiences as better than your own – but the fact is that your choice not to have sex yet may easily be the healthier one.
· FX does think it would be helpful for you to talk about this with your boyfriend so he knows exactly how you are feeling and so he can be supportive and encouraging of your making a decision that is right for you. FX also thinks you should feel good that you have a boyfriend who would talk you out of having sex if he knows you are truly not ready, rather than taking advantage of your being in a vulnerable position. That is a truly special quality for a partner to have and something to feel very good about. Your friends may have had the experience of sex – but it sounds like you have the experience of a partner who respects who you are and who wants you to be true to yourself. The bottom line here is to treasure your own experiences and the good things you have rather than focusing on trying to have what others do.
Again, FX appreciates how hard it is to feel left out of situations with friends. We understand this is tough issue for you – so in addition to considering the points we have made for you, please talk with your boyfriend, your friends, a parent, another trusted adult – anyone who can give you the support and guidance you need to do what feels best for you.