TeenHealthFX

13 With A BF - When Should I Have Sex?

Published: July 20, 2010

Dear TeenHealthFX,

I am 13 and have a boyfriend. I was wondering when I should have sex. PLEASE HELP!!!

Signed: 13 With A BF - When Should I Have Sex?

Dear 13 With A BF - When Should I Have Sex?,

TeenHealthFX cannot know and tell you when you should have sex for the first time. It is a decision you must make based on your values, beliefs, and (hopefully) a sense of wanting to ensure your physical, social, and emotional well-being. While we can’t know when you will be ready, FX can say that we think 13 is definitely too young to be having sex for the following reasons:

· 13 is very young to be in a position to be dealing with an unwanted pregnancy or the transmission of an STD (possibilities even when safer sex is practiced)

· 13 is young to deal with all of the complex emotions that can come up when it comes to being in a sexual relationship.

· The younger you are when you start having sex the greater your risk for transmitting an STD. This is because you are more likely to have more partners than someone who starts being sexually active a little later in life, as well as the fact that the younger you are when you are sexually active, there is a greater chance of not practicing safer sex.

· At 13 people are often not aware enough of how having sex will affect them socially. Whether it is getting a reputation with peers and being seen a certain way, or closing off the possibility for serious and meaningful dating relationships because of a reputation of being “easy.”

· At 13 individual identity is not often developed enough for a person to have a clear sense of what they want out of dating relationships and sexual relationships, and what kind of person they want to be with.

· When dating and sexual relationships begin to take too much priority at such a young age other important things are often neglected – friendships, academics, extra-curricular activities, relationships with family and more.

· Interest and pursuit of sexual relationships at such a young age can indicate some kind of problem – whether there are self-esteem problems, issues with peers, problematic relationships with parents and caregivers – turning to sex sometimes becomes a dysfunctional way to make-up for other underlying issues. But rather than provide a solution, the original problem remains and often new problems arise.

FX also wants you to remember that just because you have a boyfriend it doesn’t mean you have to have sex with him. When two people care about each other there are lots of ways they can show it that have nothing to do with having sex.

So how do you know when you are ready? Factors to consider include:

· Am I emotionally ready to handle the complex feelings that often come up when it comes to being sexually active?

· How educated am I about sex – the physical nature of sex and how it all works?

· What do I know about how pregnancy occurs and how STDs are transmitted?

· Am I ready to take responsibility for protecting myself against unwanted pregnancies and the transmission of STDs?

· Do I feel comfortable talking to my doctor about safer sex and sexual health matters?

· Do I feel comfortable talking to my partner about safer sex and sexual health matters?

· Am I prepared emotionally, financially, and in all other ways to deal with being pregnant or having an STD since having sex (even safer sex) opens up the possibility for both of these things to happen. (Remember that only abstinence can protect 100% from unwanted pregnancies and the transmission of STDs)

· What are my values and beliefs about sex? Should sex happen with marriage only? Once I’m in a serious relationship? Once I’m engaged?

· How do I feel about the relationship I am in? Do I love this person? Does this person love me? Can I trust and depend in this person to be there for me in a caring way?

· Will having sex as a teen influence my reputation with my peers in any kind of negative way?

· What are my family’s cultural, personal, and religious beliefs about sex? If I make a decision about sex that is different from what they believe in, could that hurt my relationship with my family or with people in my community?

· How do I want my first time to be?

· How will I feel about myself if I become sexually active? Will I feel good about myself or will it negatively affect my self-esteem in some way?

Each person will answer the above questions somewhat differently. That is because we all mature socially and emotionally at different rates, we have our own sets of values and beliefs, and we may come from different cultural backgrounds with special and unique views about sexual relationships. That is why FX cannot tell you when you should have sex for the first time – but a few years down the road we do encourage you to use these questions to help you decide when the right time is for you. When the time comes we also strongly encourage you to talk to your primary care physician, gynecologist, or an adolescent health specialist prior to becoming sexually active so that you are fully prepared to deal with all that comes with being in a sexual relationship.

If you don't have a doctor and live in northern New Jersey, you can call the Adolescent/Young Adult Center for Health at 973-971-6475 for an appointment or contact your local teen health center or Planned Parenthood. You can also contact your insurance company for a list of in-network providers.

Signed: TeenHealthFX

Ratings

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