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Rape Fantasy Vs. Really Raped?

Published: September 9, 2010
Dear TeenHealthFX,
My boyfriend and I have been in a serious realtionship for almost a year and a half. It's strange to say but before I thought it would be sexy to role play as him raping me. It would bring out a side of him that would really turn me on. It did! About a month ago, he thought he could role play again, but didn't let me know. I really thought he was actually raping me, and when I said "no, stop" he didn't stop, only because he thought we were playing. He's my boyfriend, so he couldn't have raped me.. right?
Signed: Rape Fantasy Vs. Really Raped?

Dear Rape Fantasy Vs. Really Raped?,

 

From a legal standpoint if a woman or man says “stop,” “no,” or indicates in any other clear way that he/she does not want to engage in a certain type of sexual activity, and he/she is forced or coerced into it regardless, it is considered rape. It does not matter if the situation involves a spouse, a boyfriend or girlfriend, an acquaintance, or a total stranger – it would be considered some form of sexual assault (depending on what happened) and a crime.

From what you have said it sounds like you sincerely did not want to engage in sex with your boyfriend in this situation one month ago, but that he was under the impression that he was doing something you wanted given you had communicated to him in the past that you wanted to act out a rape fantasy (and did at one point, it sounds like). From a legal standpoint this could be considered rape given that you said “no, stop,” however, FX would like you to consider that by you and your boyfriend agreeing to act out a rape fantasy and not fully communicating about it when you first brought it up with him (i.e., letting each other know when you want to act out the fantasy beforehand so you are each clear it is what you both want, or setting up some signal word that means you truly want whatever is going on to stop), it is a set-up for some real problems for your relationship and for each of you.

While not properly communicating about this type of thing can have really problematic consequences, as you have already experienced, FX is concerned that this is something the two of you wanted to role play with one another in your relationship in the first place. Rape is a terrible and brutal thing that happens to men and women every day resulting in significant trauma for many who have experienced it. FX wonders why an act that signifies violence, power, and control would turn the two of you on. We worry about what this means about where each of you is in terms of your individual emotional well-being and in terms of how each of you feels in terms of connecting to others (i.e., preferring violence and submission to love and tenderness). FX is also concerned about how these kinds of fantasies can result in situations like yours – where one partner thinks they are participating in the fantasy and the other does not want to be involved. Finally, FX wants you to consider the physical harm that can come out of these kinds of fantasy encounters. People who are raped are often physically hurt because of the force involved – and if someone is using force, even if part of a fantasy, physical harm could certainly result as well.

FX thinks it is important for you to think about whether you want to proceed with these kinds of fantasies in the future, and consider speaking with a trusted adult (maybe even a mental health professional) if you do. FX also thinks it is critical for you to discuss this with your boyfriend so the two of you can decide together the best way to handle what happened between the two of you and what each of you needs to do to ensure it does not happen again.

Signed: TeenHealthFX

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