Helping Friends/Loved Ones Who Are Suicidal Or In Abusive Situations / Question
Published: April 5, 2000
Dear TeenHealthFX,
My friend is suicidal. I finally decided to go to a guidance counselor about it. I asked the guidance counselor not to tell my friend that I had told her about my friend's suicidal behaviors. The guidance counselor did anyway. Now, she hates me for telling and I am afraid that I will cause her to be even more depressed and she really will kill herself. What should I do? I think I did the right thing, but yet I really hurt her and I betrayed her trust. Now, she hates her best friend. I don't know how to get her back. I want her to trust me and I want to be there for her, but when she hates me that is kind of hard to do. Please help me! I am troubled with her problems and my own. I can't handle both of our problems and plus there are problems of my friends to deal with. Thank you for your time and help. I really am in need. Friend
Signed: I Told The Guidance Counselor My Friend Is Suicidal
Dear I Told The Guidance Counselor My Friend Is Suicidal,
It is unfortunate that the guidance counselor told your friend that it was you who told him/her about your friend's suicidal thoughts and behaviors. Usually, when you ask an adult in this type of situation to maintain your confidentiality, they will. Hoever, TeenHealthFX does not think this is what all teachers, guidance counselors, doctors or school nurses would do given this type of situation! This is important because you and your friends should know that there are trustworthy adults out there that you can go to.
TeenHealthFX applauds your maturity in taking the situation to an adult. You definitely did the right thing. Right now, it must be difficult feeling like you betrayed your best friend's trust, but you had to since you really care about her. In time, you and your friend can discuss this. Your friend's suicidal thoughts and behaviors is something that you could not handle by yourself. When someone is suicidal they need help and assistance from a mental health professional. Although support from friends and family is essential, a counselor needs to work with the suicidal and depressed person in therapy to discuss the issues.
It will take time to regain your friend's trust, but keep in mind, you may have saved her life. Right now, she is probably angry and upset. Just keep being there for her and hopefully she will come to understand that what you did was out of love, and she will forgive you and your friendship will once again be strong.
For several reasons, TeenHealthFX is also concerned about you too. Several things that you said in your question like "I can't handle both of our problems" and "You feel you may make your suicidal friend more depressed" sparks some issues. You may be taking on more than you can handle. Your friends' problems are their own. You may be able to help them and guide them, but you should not become obsessed with them and think of them as your own. You cannot and should not feel responsibility for other people's behaviors and action - all we can do is to control our own thoughts and actions. You need to put yourself at NUMBER ONE and worry about yourself and how you are feelings. Many teenagers have problems drawing the distinctions between their own problems and that of their friends. Sometimes teenagers and adults become so involved in other peoples problems that they become depressed or suicidal themselves. Some even need professional help and counseling dealing with this. If you feel like this is you or you are having trouble handling all of this, please seek help from a professional. Call 1(800) SUICIDE or if you live in Northern New Jersey, please call Atlantic Behavioral Health's 24-Hour Crisis Hotline at (973)540.0100
Signed: TeenHealthFX
Among male drivers between 15 and 20 years of age who were involved in fatal crashes in 2005, 38% were speeding at the time of the crash and 24% had been drinking.
