TeenHealthFX - Answers - Unsure-Stopping Date Rape

Dating Violence & Date Rape / Question
Published: November 21, 2002

Dear TeenHealthFX,

My problem is this, during last summer I was date raped by a guy I had a crush on. He wanted me to go over his house where his friend was there, him, and me. The guy had took his friend in another room knowing what was going to happen and told me if I didn't have sex with him he'd never be with me. I really didn't say anything and he went along without my consent, while his friend peeked through the door and watched. Seven months later I came forward to the police because I was so afraid before and because of the long time no one believed my story. The guy is free and in school I see him sexually harassing girls in my school. The only evidence I have is physical from a forced entry considering I was a virgin before it happened and the perpetrator's friend, which refuses to believe that his friend would do such a thing. How will I be able to make sure he won't do it again?

Signed: Unsure-Stopping Date Rape

Dear Unsure-Stopping Date Rape,

TeenHealthFX is sorry to hear about your experience. You should be proud that you came forward to the police, even though you waited at first. Some statistics say that acquaintance rape accounts for 50 % - 75 % of all rapes, though many of these go unreported. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to prove that a date rape has occurred because weapons are rarely used and the situation often ends up being one person's word against another. Consent and saying "no" are verbal agreements and not actual physical items that can be produced for the police or in court. The legal definition of date rape is "non-consensual sexual intercourse by a friend or acquaintance," which is precisely the situation you describe. You did not give consent- this guy had no right to take advantage of you like he did.

Since the rape occurred 7 months ago and your rapist's friend refuses to support your story, pressing charges can be difficult and TeenHealthFX understands your frustration in doing so. Being raped is a frightening experience. Talking to a therapist who is trained in dealing with sexual abuse can be helpful in sorting out the variety of emotions you may be feeling and also can serves as a source of support if you choose to go through the legal process. There are also support groups for women who have been victims of sexual abuse.

Another thing you might consider is talking to some teachers or your principal about organizing a "Date Rape Awareness" assembly or discussion session for your whole school to attend. Many people do not know what date rape really is or what consent means- it could be very beneficial for everyone to learn this information. A good starting point for what to present could be the list of myths and realities about date rape included here. This can clear up some misinformation that many people have about date rape. You can also find some more information about date rape here, Info on Date Rape.

Myth	Reality
A woman who gets raped usually deserves it, especially if she has agreed to go to a man's house or park with him.	No one deserves to be raped. Being in a man's house or car does not mean that a woman has agreed to have sex with him.
If a woman agrees to allow a man to pay for dinner, drinks, etc., then it means she owes him sex.	Sex is not an implied payback for dinner or other expense no matter how much money has been spent.
Men who are easy to identify as rapists commit acquaintance rape.	Women are often raped by "normal" acquaintances who resemble "regular guys."
Women who don't fight back haven't been raped.	Rape occurs when one is forced to have sex against their will, whether they have decided to fight back or not.
Intimate kissing or certain kinds of touching mean that intercourse is inevitable.	Everyone's right to say "no" should be honored, regardless of the activity that preceded it.
Once a man reaches a certain point of arousal, sex is inevitable and they can't help forcing themselves upon a woman.	Men are capable of exercising restraint in acting upon sexual urges.
Most women lie about acquaintance rape because they have regrets after consensual sex.	Acquaintance rape really happens - to people you know, by people you know.
Women who say "No" really mean, "Yes."	This notion is based on rigid and outdated sexual stereotypes.
Certain behaviors such as drinking or dressing in a sexually appealing way make rape a woman's responsibility.	Drinking or dressing in a sexually appealing way are not invitations for sex.

If you live in northern New Jersey and would like help finding a therapist, you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 888.247.1400 for assistance. Outside this area, The Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) have a good hotline number to call for more information about rape. They can be reached at (800) 656.HOPE (4673).

Signed: TeenHealthFX