TeenHealthFX - Answers - Gaining Self-Confidence

Self-Confidence & Self-Esteem Issues / Question
Published: April 28, 2006

Dear TeenHealthFX,

How do we gain self confidence while going through a unhealthy plight?

Signed: Gaining Self-Confidence

Dear Gaining Self-Confidence,

This question is a little tough to answer, as TeenHealthFX is unsure if there is a specific “unhealthy plight” that you are going through right now. But here are some thoughts on how to build or maintain a positive sense of self in the midst of difficult situations:

Make sure you find and spend time with people who are caring, trustworthy and who treat you well. When a person surrounds himself/herself with people who tend to be negative, very critical or mean in any way, it can be much harder to feel good about oneself.

Try and find something you feel you do well – and make sure you spend time doing that thing. Feeling a sense of accomplishment and achievement can certainly contribute to a good sense of self. So whether it is sports, art, music, academics, volunteering, working, cooking, etc. – make sure to make time for whatever it is that you do well.

If a person is the victim of abuse – emotional, physical or sexual – it is important to remember that the abuser is completely responsible for his or her actions, and that the abused person is not at fault and not to blame. Very often victims of abuse have difficulty seeing themselves in a positive way because they see themselves as to blame for the abuse that happened.

Think about what choices are the healthiest choices for you – and do not be afraid to stand up for your decisions. For example, if you feel you are not ready to be sexually active or you are against drug and alcohol use, do not let anyone pressure you into doing something you do not want to do. People can often end up feeling badly about themselves if they went along with something they knew wasn’t right for them.

Try to recognize when comments made towards you are really not statements about who you are – and try not to take those comments personally. For example, if a parent comes home stressed out from work and starts complaining that their child does nothing right, is lazy, and can’t be counted on for anything – it’s easy for that child to take his or her parent’s comments personally. However, the comments probably have nothing to do with the child – but are a result of the parent feeling stressed out and dealing with that stress in an unhealthy manner.

Treat others with respect and insist on being treated with respect in return. Try not to say things to yourself like, “I don’t deserve to be treated nicely” or “He/she is too good for me.” It’s hard to feel good about yourself when you allow people to treat you badly.

Try not to get caught up in “kicking yourself” for mistakes you might have made in the past. You cannot change the past, so focus instead of accepting responsibility for what you did, doing whatever is possible to fix those mistakes, and ensuring that you do whatever is in your power not repeat the same mistakes.

Again, since FX does not know what “plight” you are going through, you might want to consider meeting with a therapist to discuss ways to deal with whatever situation you are coping with, as well as to discuss how you feel about yourself.

If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area.

Signed: TeenHealthFX