Other Emotional Health Issues / Question
Published: September 28, 2006
Dear TeenHealthFX,
Well first of all, before I was born my parents got divorced. Well a couple of years after that when I was 7 my mom and dad moved in with each other. Well when I turned twelve my parents split up again and I ended up living with my 28 year old sister. My mom then re-married to a guy named Dave and wanted me to live with them and his 3 kids. Well my mom and Dave always fight and they alweays yell at me. My mom always talks about how much she hates my dad, so when I ask to see him she always tells me no. I love my dad and I hate when she does this. Not only that but she always tells me things like I should lose weight and get better grades (even though I have a 3.8 GPA. She wants me to be perfect and I can't. I'm always stressed out because of this. I try to be what she wants. Everything in my life is going wrong. What should I do, I'm so confused. Kylie
Signed: Everything In My Life Is Going Wrong
Dear Everything In My Life Is Going Wrong,
TeenHealthFX can appreciate that you would be feeling stressed out and confused with everything that has been going on. For one thing, it can be stressful and confusing to have mixed feelings towards someone we love. And while you may understandably love your mother and want to be close to her because she is your mom, you may also have a lot of anger and negative feelings towards her because of how mean she can be towards your father and how critical she can be towards you. In addition, FX can appreciate that it is probably hard for you to maintain a positive sense of self and feel good about your accomplishments (like getting a 3.8 GPA) if the message you get from your mother is that the things you do – no matter how good they are – are never quite good enough.
FX thinks that it would be helpful for you to think about two things. The first is building up a positive support system for yourself, and the second is to find ways to feel good about yourself despite some of the situations you are dealing with and negative the messages you get at times from your mother.
Here are some thoughts on how to build up a good support system for yourself:
- First, try talking to your mother about how you are feeling. Let her know how negatively it affects you when she speaks in a derogatory or angry way about your father, and how hurtful it is to you when she is critical of you. And let your mother know what she could do instead to help you feel more supported by her. You can even show her this letter if that helps to get the ball rolling in terms of a productive conversation.
- Find a trusted adult in school – such as a teacher, school social worker or guidance counselor – fill them in on all of what is going on with you right now and see if it would be possible for you to check in with that adult during days at school when you are having a hard time and need someone to talk to.
- Schedule an appointment with a mental health professional. Whether you speak to your mother about this directly or have an adult at school work with you and your mother to arrange counseling services for you, it might be helpful for you to meet with a therapist so that you can sort through any negative feelings, as well as to develop healthy methods of dealing with these stressors. A therapist could also meet with you and your mother together to help her to better understand what is troubling you, and to help her learn ways in which she can be more helpful and supportive of you.
- Check with your school or local mental health agencies to see if there are any therapy groups available for people in your age range. Very often it can be helpful to have the support of your peers when going through such a tough time – especially since many of them may be having very similar experiences to you.
- See if there are any extended family members whose help you can enlist – a grandparent, older sibling, aunt or uncle. That person could be another source of support for you – someone to talk to or to give you advice when you are feeling stuck with a stressful situation.
Here are some thoughts on how to build or maintain a positive sense of self:
- Make sure you find and spend time with people who are caring towards you and who treat you well – such as friends, neighbors, extended family members, or staff members at school. When a person surrounds himself/herself with people who tend to be negative, very critical or mean in any way, it can be much harder to feel good about oneself. So try to surround yourself as much as possible with people who can offer you encouragement, praise, and support in the things you do.
- Try and find something you feel you do well – and make sure you spend time doing that thing. Feeling a sense of accomplishment and achievement can certainly contribute to an overall positive sense of self. So whether it is sports, art, music, academics, volunteering, working, cooking, etc. – make sure to make time for whatever it is that you do well.
- Think about what choices are the healthiest choices for you – and do not be afraid to stand up for your decisions.
- Try to recognize when comments made towards you are really not statements about who you are – and try not to take those comments personally. For example, if a parent comes home stressed out from work and starts complaining that their child does nothing right, is lazy, and can’t be counted on for anything – it’s easy for that child to take his or her parent’s comments personally. However, the comments probably have nothing to do with the child – but are a result of the parent feeling stressed out and dealing with that stress in an unhealthy manner.
- Treat others with respect and insist on being treated with respect in return. Try not to say things to yourself like, “I don’t deserve to be treated nicely” or “He/she is too good for me.” It’s hard to feel good about yourself when you allow people to treat you badly.
- Try not to get caught up in “kicking yourself” for mistakes you might have made in the past. You cannot change the past, so focus instead of accepting responsibility for what you did, doing whatever is possible to fix those mistakes, and ensuring that you do whatever is in your power not repeat the same mistakes.
If you live in northern
Signed: TeenHealthFX
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