Death & Dying / Question
Published: November 28, 2006
Dear TeenHealthFX,
Please help me. My mom died last July and the one year anniversary destroyed me. I'm not a big fan of going to see a psychologist because I don't really believe in confessing my deepest feelings to a stranger that's just interested in cash. My girlfriend of two years just broke up with me when I need her most. She told me she'll always be there for me, just not the way I want her to be. I don't want her to be there just as a friend. I really love her. She means everything to me. For the past 3 days all I've been able to think about is her and my mom. I'm not a big crier, but in the past 3 days I've never cried so much. When my mom actually died I was apathetic and I feel guilty for it. I argued with her a lot before she passed and that also adds to the guilt. I feel like my life has gone to **** and that no one is there for me. Today one of my friends basically told me to get over it and to stop using my mother's death as an excuse to act like an ass. It made me start thinking about what people really do think of me. I feel like I don't deserve my friends and I don't deserve to be happy. It’s just a matter of time before I'm gone, like my mom. I don't think I've ever thought of killing myself, but I definitely think that I don't deserve to be happy. I don't know what to do. I just want some sort of professional advice. Thanks, and please deliver a speedy answer, I really need it.
Signed: My Mom Died Last July
Dear My Mom Died Last July,
The death of a parent can be a tremendously painful loss – especially when a child or teenager loses a parent unexpectedly or at such a young age. TeenHealthFX can appreciate how difficult this past year must have been for you, and can definitely understand how the first anniversary of your mother’s death may have brought up significant feelings of sadness and loss for you. Mourning the loss of a loved one is a process that can take some time – people often find themselves going through many different phases and stages of emotions. Some people experience periods of denial and then of acceptance, and some find themselves dealing with feelings of sadness, loss, anger, and loneliness following the death of a loved one. And like you, there are some people who feel apathetic or numb to the loss when it initially happens – this kind of reaction is usually protective in nature since disconnecting from any negative feelings can allow a person to avoid becoming too overwhelmed and flooded by various intense emotions. So FX hopes that in time you will come to feel less guilty about having felt this way, since it can be a very normal initial reaction to losing a loved one. It is also very common for people to experience feelings of guilt, as you have described – feeling guilty of how things may have been or things that were said right before the person died, or looking back and wishing that the nature of the relationship had generally been different. But, again, know that these types of feelings and reactions are very common. And keep in mind that as much as the idea of living each day as if it could be your last in terms of what you do and how you interact wit others – it is certainly a wonderful idea, but is very hard for most people to put into practice on a consistent basis – so try not to be so hard on yourself about this.
Since this is such a hard time for you – between dealing with the death of your mother, and issues that have come up with your girlfriend and friends, FX thinks that it would be very helpful for you to increase your support system at this time so you have plenty of people around you who can be there for you and helpful to you through all of this. Here are some ways in which you could do this:
- It sounds as if you have developed a fairly negative view of therapists – FX is not sure if this is from personal experience or not, but does want to stress that therapists can be a wonderful source of guidance and support. FX understands that it can feel uncomfortable or odd to be sharing personal information with someone you barely know. But keep in mind that a therapeutic relationship, like any other relationship, takes time to grow and for trust to form to the point where it is more comfortable to disclose personal thoughts and feelings. So do not feel pressured that somehow if you meet with a therapist you should be willing and able to tell your deepest, darkest secrets by week one – it may take some time to get to the point, but that is okay. And while therapists do get paid for what they do, it is not all about money. Adults have lots of choices about how they want to make money – they could be bankers, lawyers, teachers, financial advisors, etc. – so to choose to be a therapist with all the money-making options out there must mean that there is more to making that choice than just cash.
- Most schools have school social workers and school psychologists available. FX recommends that you check at your school and find out if you can meet regularly or on an as-needed basis with a mental health professional at your school.
- Some schools offer peer groups for students who have experienced significant loss – these groups are run by a school staff member either during or right after school. You could check with your school guidance counselor or school social worker to see if such a group exists at your school. If not, you could suggest to them that such a group be formed and help them to put the group together as FX can imagine that other students at your school have probably experienced some type of loss at some point in their lives and could use a support group as well. If you would prefer a peer group that is run outside of your school, you could also check with local hospitals and mental health agencies to find a bereavement group for people in your age range.
- You can check online with Rainbows (http://www.rainbows.org/), an organization aimed at helping children deal with loss. Support groups are available through various Rainbows sites, as well as various resources listed online.
- Think of a family member whom you feel comfortable talking to, and go to that person for support and a listening ear when you need. You could talk to that person about your mother – your memories of her and what you miss. You could even come up with some traditions, rituals, or other ways to honor her memory if you think that would be helpful to you.
As difficult as this time is for you right now, FX wants you to try and be patient with yourself and the feelings you are experiencing since grieving such a significant loss can definitely take some time. FX definitely does believe that you deserve to be happy, and does have faith that you will certainly get to a happier place in your life in time.
If you live in northern
If you do ever get to the point that you are seriously considering suicide or are afraid of your impulses then you need to seek help immediately. You can call 911 or go to your nearest hospital emergency room. In northern
Signed: TeenHealthFX
More than four in 10 young women become pregnant at least once before they reach the age of 20 - nearly one million a year teen pregnancies a year 
