Worries, Fears and Anxiety Disorders / Question
Published: October 24, 2007
Dear TeenHealthFX,
Ok, so I am an 18 y/o female and I think I have pure OCD. I don’t have compulsions but I have really bad thoughts that bother me very much. They repeat themselves in my head and it drives me crazy and makes me feel really bad because these thoughts are really horrible and I don’t know why they come into my head. I have thoughts of hurting the ones I love and of being a pedophile. I don’t even like to say these thoughts out loud to myself... let alone tell another person. They are not normal thoughts/ worries... I have been going through this since I was 15. I don’t enjoy these thoughts at all... so why do I have them? I am afraid of myself... what’s wrong with me? I had been to the doctors once but my mom like freaked out and just wanted me to stop... so I acted like I was better when I really wasn’t. And when I told the doctor my thoughts she would look at me funny and I was afraid to tell everything so I didn’t. Sometimes I just want go to sleep and not wake up. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to be crazy. And I am afraid if I open my mouth and tell people they will look at me differently. I am afraid to go to the doctors. And I am afraid that my boyfriend who is the love of my life will leave me. What do I do?
Signed: I Think I Have Pure OCD
Dear I Think I Have Pure OCD,
TeenHealthFX can appreciate why you are feeling so frightened right now about the thoughts you are having of wanting to hurt others. And we can also understand how frustrating and scary it must be to feel that these thoughts are so persistent and difficult for you to control. Unfortunately, FX is unable over the internet to give any kind of accurate diagnosis or reason as to why you are experiencing these types of thoughts and emotions, but we do think that it is important that you meet with a mental health professional so that you can get a better idea of what is contributing to these thoughts, as well as what kinds of treatment options are available to alleviate them. And from what you said above, it is important to be true to yourself about where you are at and what you need. Even if your mom is getting “freaked out,” it is critical to your mental health that you remain in treatment if you need it. And if your mother is having a hard time dealing with your being in treatment, perhaps your therapist could meet with her so that she is educated about what is going on with you and why you need the treatment he/she has recommended. Your therapist may also recommend that your mother meet with someone on her own for guidance and support as it can be difficult watching a loved one go through such stressful times and experiences.
As far as any of the professionals you meet looking at you differently, keep the following in mind. In your email above you used words like “crazy,” “not normal,” and “afraid” in describing how you see yourself. And when we see ourselves in a particular way, we often assume that others will see us in the same way. So when you picture sitting down and discussing your thoughts with a therapist, you could probably easily imagine that those kinds of words are also swarming around in his/her head – however, that may not be the case. Your therapist may hear all you have to say and could easily still have a sense of compassion and care about you and the problems you are presenting with. So if you find you ever become worried about what your therapist (or anyone else) thinks of you, remember that just because you feel a certain way does not mean someone else will too. And it would be very helpful for you to raise that concern with your therapist – that you worry he/she will think negatively of you. On the other hand, if you are meeting with someone and you feel like something is really off in their reaction, then do not drop out of treatment altogether, but consider switching to another therapist and focus on finding someone where there is a better and more comfortable connection.
There is treatment available for the types of symptoms you are describing. However, to get the help you need, it is important that you set up a consultation with a mental health professional as soon as possible so that you can be accurately diagnosed and so that a treatment plan can be put into place that might include things like individual therapy, family therapy, and medication management.
If you live in northern
Since you mentioned sometimes feeling like you want to go to sleep and not wake up, FX wants to stress that if you get to the point that you are seriously considering suicide or are afraid of your impulses then you need to seek help immediately. You can call 911 or go to your nearest hospital emergency room. In northern
Signed: TeenHealthFX
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