TeenHealthFX - Answers - Was I Raped?

Dating Violence & Date Rape / Question
Published: January 7, 2004

Dear TeenHealthFX,

Well, my problem is that I don't know if I was raped or not. Well, it would have been date rape. I was on a date with this guy and he wanted to have sex, but I didn't want to, Then he told me he was going to get mad at me, but I didn't want him mad at me so I said I would, So we did have sex. Was this date rape? Or not?

Signed: Was I Raped?

Dear Was I Raped?,

We are very glad you wrote. We can understand how confusing this must feel.

The definition of rape is "non-consensual sex." It sounds clear that you did not want to have sex with this boy, and only did so because he manipulated you. So we understand why you feel upset. No one has the right to get angry at you for not having sex with him. Sex should be something two people do because they both want to; it should never involve threats.

Date rape can be a complicated issue and we would need more information to say whether or not you were raped - did you tell him outright that you did not want sex and then he became manipulative - then that would be coerced into going through with sex. Or, were you fearful for your safety (did you think you would be harmed) if you did not comply with his wishes? That would be date rape. Your answers to these questions could give you a better understanding of what occurred.

If you went through with it without him actually knowing that you didn't want to have sex, then it sounds like you made a choice that you regretted, and this guy acted in a way that was not right - but that what happened wasn't rape.

It is very important that you talk to an adult about this situation - a parent, a teacher or counselor at your school, or some other adult who you trust. You need to work out your feelings about what has happened and talk about how you can stand up for yourself in future sexual situations and assert your own sense of healthy body integrity. If someone has so little respect for you when they are told what you do or do not want to do that they become manipulative or bullying, then do not waste your time on them. If they act this way now, they will act worse in a committed relationship.

If you would prefer to talk to a professional therapist, in northern NJ you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 888.2471400 for help in finding one. Outside of this area, you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration's website to locate services in your area. In addition, the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) have a good hotline number to call for more information about rape. They can be reached at (800) 656.HOPE (4673).

You might also try reading the answer to Unsure - Stopping Date Rape.

Signed: TeenHealthFX