Suicide / Question
Published: April 7, 2008
Dear TeenHealthFX,
i'm 20 years old and i think there is something seriously wrong with me. i can't concentrate on anything, i don't sleep well, i have no appetite, i have no self confidence at all (i loathe my body) and i frequently feel detached (for lack of a better word) from my life- not happy, not sad, not feeling anything. i've had a lot of stress in my life recently, which probably hasn't helped- i was indecently assaulted and came close to being raped last october, a christian friend accused me of witchcraft/devil-worship over christmas then my mum died suddenly of terminal breast cancer in february. but this isn't the first time i've felt like this- these feelings have come and gone all my life. i wonder sometimes if i'm jinxed i've had so much bad luck- i had very few friends as a child because i couldn't walk until i was 8, i've been called names (including cripple and bitch), teased on and off throughout my school life (friends hiding my things, completely ignoring me for no reason, saying i was sleeping with guy friends or that i was pregnant), i've been told to kill myself and had one guy in my 6th form tell me he was going to have sex with me when i said no to dating him. i've tried to forget about this stuff and act like it doesn't bother me, like my friends keep telling me to- they say i'm just imagining it and that the people who did these things were just teasing everybody.... but i can't. not now. after the assault, i started having suicidal thoughts and cutting my hands with broken glass, kitchen knives etc, even going as far as scraping the skin off my wrist where the vein is. i just want my life back... please, please help.
Signed: I Just Want My Life Back
Dear I Just Want My Life Back,
TeenHealthFX is very concerned for you and all that you are going through right now. We do not feel that you are jinxed and doomed to have difficult things happen to you forever, but we do feel that you have certainly had more than you share of difficult things to deal with, to say the least. With such significant stressors in your life, it is understandable that you may be feeling so lost right now in your life – however, we do feel that with the right supports and interventions you can have your life back and move on in a positive way from where you are at right now.
As far as your current emotional state, it sounds like you have many symptoms of depression – including difficulty concentrating, poor appetite, difficulties sleeping, low self-esteem, and suicidal thoughts. Since there is a genetic component to depression, it is possible that you have always dealt with an underlying depressed mood and that the various circumstances (being assaulted, losing your mother, being teased, not being able to walk until the age of 8) have contributed to and triggered more intense depressive episodes more recently. Feeling detached from your life and not feeling emotion right now is probably protective for you – to allow yourself to feel all of the sadness and anger you could understandably be dealing with right now might feel like too much pain and emotion to face at the moment – often people shut down their emotions (without even knowing it) when they sense that those emotions would be too overwhelming to deal with at the present time. As for the cutting, it is a maladaptive way of dealing with difficult feelings, thoughts, and life circumstances. And you may have resorted to cutting if you did not learn healthier ways to cope with various kinds of difficulties earlier on in your life.
FX thinks that that what you need to do immediately is to tell a trusted adult how you have been feeling (for example, your father or current caretaker, an extended family member, a teacher, school counselor, or your primary care physician), so that person can help to arrange mental health services for you. A therapist can help you with the following:
- Assess whether or not you are dealing with a mood disorder, such as depression, and formulate a plan to effectively treat that mood disorder.
- Address your suicidal thoughts to ensure your immediate safety and long-term emotional well-being.
- Help you to deal with the anger, sadness, and loss connected to your mother’s death, the assault, your physical well-being, and your relationships with peers.
- Help you to formulate healthier methods of coping with difficult thoughts and feelings rather than cutting, as well as to deal with any conflicts that arise with peers.
- Work with you to expand your support system so that you feel there are people around you who can act in a loving and supportive way to you during this difficult time.
You have been through a tremendous amount in a very short period of time – but the strength that has carried you up to this point will help you to keep going and to work towards getting to a better place emotionally. Just remember the importance of not going it alone and of having trusting, caring people around you to help you through this very difficult time.
If you live in northern
You can contact the Self-Injury Hotline (information only, not a crisis line) at 1-800-DON’T-CUT, 1-800-366-8288.
You can contact the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAIN), 1-800-656-HOPE (4673), 24 hours, 7days a week
If you get to the point that you are seriously considering suicide or are afraid of your impulses then you need to seek help immediately. You can call 911 or go to your nearest hospital emergency room. In northern
Signed: TeenHealthFX
Girls are more likely to intentionally abuse prescription drugs than boys.
