TeenHealthFX - Answers - Friend's Brother Rapes Her

Childhood Sexual Abuse / Question
Published: June 23, 2008

Dear TeenHealthFX,

ok...my 14-year-old friend has been having some pretty serious problems lately. She has eating disorders and has tried to commit suicide. She sees a theripist but no one really knew what was wrong or why she did it. Yesterday she told me that she had gotten raped this year when she was 13. When I asked her who rapped her, she said that it was her brother. She also said that it happend more than once. He also twists her wrists and beats her. On the outside it seems like her family is perfect. She doen't want to tell anyone because she doesn't want her brother to go to jail, because she still wants to love him. I promised I wouldn't tell anyone. I really want to help my friend, she doesn't deserve this. I don't know what to do.

Signed: Friend's Brother Rapes Her

Dear Friend's Brother Rapes Her,

TeenHealthFX is very sorry to hear about the terrible things your friend is going through right now. The abuse she is enduring and the fear she has about breaking up with family if she were to expose her brother is understandably causing her a tremendous amount of pain and stress. And, since you obviously care for your friend so much, watching her go through this must be painful for you as well.

FX thinks that the first thing you can do to be helpful for your friend is to let her know that you care about and that you are there to be helpful to her. Then encourage her to talk to a trusted adult, such as her parents or therapist, about what has been happening with her brother. Let your friend know that she does not deserve to be treated this way, and unless an adult intervenes it is very likely that her brother will not stop his abusive and violent behaviors towards her. Stress to your friend that if her speaking up about this causes any family stress or friction, it will be as a result of her brother’s actions not because of anything she did – she is the victim here and not at all to blame for her brother’s terrible choices. FX understands that she may want to preserve a certain family image and that she may hope to be able to love her brother, but in this situation she needs to start by being loving to herself and telling an adult what has been happening to her so she does not have to endure this abuse any longer.

You can also print and show your friend the following questions and answers posted on the TeenHealthFX.com: “Who Can I Talk To About My Abuse History,” “Brother’s Abuse,” “Step-Grandfather Abused Me,” “Nervous To Tell” and “Sexually Abused.” The answers to these questions will give your friend advice on who she can talk to about this ongoing abuse, will help to encourage her to speak to someone about this abuse, and will stress to her that what is happening is not her fault.

If, after speaking to her, your friend still refuses to tell anyone what is going on, then FX recommends that you tell her that you plan on letting someone know about this. If she won’t, it is important that you talk to an adult who can intervene, such as your parents or a counselor at school. Your friend may be initially angry with you that you did not keep her secret – but the fact of the matter is that if this secret causes your friend physical and emotional harm, it is NOT a secret worth keeping. And hopefully your friend will be able to see that, and will know your talking to an adult about this came out of a loving place.

FX thinks that it is important that your friend is clear that there are many people out there who can be helpful to her. So another thing you can do for her is to give her the following list of resources in the event she needs to get in contact with a therapist, medical professional, or if she needs to reach out to a hotline for help or information.

Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN), 1-800-656-HOPE (4673), 24 hours, 7days a week or visit www.rainn.org.
Child Abuse Hotline, 1-800-792-8610, 24 hours, 7days a week. For reporting physical or sexual abuse and to get help.
Youth Crisis Hotline, 1-800-448-4663, 24 hours, 7 days a week. For youths, 17 years of age or younger who are in crisis

If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

If you don't have a doctor and live in northern New Jersey, you can call the Adolescent/Young Adult Center for Health at 973-971-6475 for an appointment or contact your local teen health center or Planned Parenthood. You can also contact Girl’s Street – A Young Woman’s Health Program – at 908.522.2555 if you live in northern New Jersey.

· If you get to the point that you are seriously considering suicide or are afraid of your impulses then you need to seek help immediately. You can call 911 or go to your nearest hospital emergency room. In northern New Jersey you can also call the crisis hotline from Morristown Memorial hospital at 973-540-0100. Outside this area call the Suicide & Crisis Hotline, 1-800-999-9999, 24 hours, 7 days a week.

Signed: TeenHealthFX