TeenHealthFX - Answers - Not Myself - Don't Fit In, Fight With Mom & Friends, Etc

Other Emotional Health Issues / Question
Published: March 13, 2003

Dear TeenHealthFX,

I am just so confused about myself. For some reason, I haven't been acting like my normal self lately. I feel like I don't fit in with my friends. I also feel like I am changing. I used to be really nice, and more often I am getting into fights with my friends because I am tired of them stepping all over me and taking advantage of how easy going I am. I also get into fights with my mom because she has a really bad temper and I can't stand how she bosses me around or yells at me when I do absolutely NOTHING. I don't know if I should be nice to people, or be assertive so they do not step all over me and take advantage of me. I can't seem to go between these two. At school, I am taken advantage of all the time because people know how quiet, shy, and nice I can be. I can't seem to be assertive, and sometimes I just want to cry because I am so confused. I want to be assertive, but not come off as mean. I want to be a better person, but I hate it when I am taken advantage of. I don't know what is going on.

Signed: Not Myself - Don't Fit In, Fight With Mom & Friends, Etc

Dear Not Myself - Don't Fit In, Fight With Mom & Friends, Etc,

FX can tell that all this is really hard on you and we can see why. It is often difficult to balance being assertive and keeping your nice qualities; however, it is normal to evaluate and re-evaluate yourself. This is good that you are asking for help. Feeling like you do not fit in, getting into fights with your friends and not getting along with your mom are very stressful events in your life. It may be a good idea to find someone like a therapist to discuss all this with. A therapist may be able to help you deal with your need to be more assertive without losing your positive characteristics. Also, a therapist may be able to give you some techniques to use when friends start to push you around, or how to communicate more effectively with your mom. FX recommends discussing this with an adult who can get you involved in therapy.

If you live in northern NJ, call the Access Center for Behavioral Health at (888) 247-1400. You may also find that your guidance counselor or another trusted adult is a good resource for you.

Some more thoughts on your situation:

It is important to realize that many teens begin to feel this way especially when they are dealing with the pressures at school and at home as well as the changes that are going on emotionally and physically as they mature. Often people get to a point where they evaluate how others treat them, and they decide that they have had enough. It takes a brave person to tell their friends that they need to be treated with respect, and will not be taken advantage of anymore. However, please do not confuse being assertive (discussing things, saying in a calm manner how you want to be treated) with being aggressive (yelling, acting angry or giving negative hints on how you wish to be treated).

Sometimes after being given the idea that things need to be changed, the friends will begin to examine how they speak and behave and the friendships can continue with newfound respect and fun. Other times, the friends decide that it is better to end the friendship because all parties are not willing to change or accept the changes in others.

As for your mom, lots of parents are so concerned with their children's well being that they can be overprotective, and with all the pressures on parents and activities that their children are involved in, yelling sometimes becomes a favorite method of communication. FX suggest that you talk to your mother about how you have been getting along and the future of your relationship. Think things through before you start a discussion with your mom.

Here are some ideas:

Plan out a scheduled time to talk.
Realize that they have their own problems and plenty of stress in dealing with them.
Be levelheaded. Tell them you would like to present your side first and then both of you can discuss it.
Keep your cool. Be calm and present your side logically.
Do not lose your temper and try not to be defensive.
Do not use past situations to attack your parents. You want to work out your differences not start a fight.

If done correctly and the talk does not turn into a fight, both of your will feel better and your relationship can improve.

Signed: TeenHealthFX