TeenHealthFX - Answers - Difficulty Sleeping Because I Feel Lonely At Night

Other Emotional Health Issues / Question
Published: December 10, 2008

Dear TeenHealthFX,

I have read through some articles you've posted on insomnia, but none of them answer my question. For some time I've been like every other teenage girl, just trying to deal with life's little issues. But I was talking to an aquaintance about it because I felt really alone one day, and he actually helped. Alot of the time I'm on a more intellectual level than my peers so I never talk about my feelings, but in this case everything I said made perfect sense to him and it was a huge relief. All this week I've been talking to him virtually all night (until 5 am at the latest). I've grown so attached to being able to speak my feelings and feeling like someone cares is not something I'm used to. I've grown so accustomed to these long conversations, and now it is very hard to stop. I'm sure that I haven't been able to sleep because of my random sleeping schedule this week, but at night I get so lonely without those conversations. It's like, now that I know there is someone who will listen and be there, I feel like it's harder to be alone when I just need someone to talk to. He says to call whenever, but I feel guilty for keeping him up at night because he is actually able to get to sleep. All I do is lay there and try. I've been so lonely and bored and sleep deprived and I can't get my mind off him. I don't think I have feelings for him, but it is obvious that I'm way too attached. I hate being away from him because I can't speak my mind, and he keeps saying that he likes to talk to me but I don't know how much longer this will last. I can't keep doing this, but I can't just quit cold turkey. I've tried talking to other people too and I can't get into a psychologist until early next year, but it just isn't the same at all. They just look at me like I'm crazy. I really need to find a way to go to sleep at night, I'm not as good at dealing with loneliness now that I've gotten so used to picking up the phone and talking through it. Thank you for getting back to me! What you do for teenagers is very

Signed: Difficulty Sleeping Because I Feel Lonely At Night

Dear Difficulty Sleeping Because I Feel Lonely At Night,

TeenHealthFX understands that meeting with a therapist once or twice a week is not the same as having someone to talk to in the middle of the night when you are feeling lonely. However, FX thinks that it is definitely a very important step for you to take in terms of dealing with this problem in the long-run. If you are having trouble sleeping because there is something that feels so terrible about being alone, having someone there to talk to every night is more of a short-term solution. Because the fact is that through your life, there will not always be someone available to keep you company through the night – and the best way to feel better and be able to feel comfortable going to sleep is for you to learn (with the help of a therapist) how to not feel so terrible and lonely when you are by yourself. Basically what this means is focusing how to comfort yourself rather than solely relying on someone else for that comfort.

FX also can’t help but to wonder if there are some relationship issues between you and you parents/guardians. It sounds like there is this void in you that leaves you feeling lonely and sad – and FX wonders why your relationships with them are not filling you up more. If there are any distant or conflictual relationships between you and your parents/guardians, a therapist can be helpful here as well by working with all of you to strengthen the relationships.

While working with a therapist, if you ever worry that the therapist is seeing you as “crazy” or in any other negative way, it is very important that you bring this up with him/her. If you have concerns about being judged or disliked by your therapist, talking about this will also be an important part of your therapy.

Until you start your therapy sessions, FX suggests that you try to focus on the following to help you sleep better:

Try to get some exercise during the day. This will help to reduce stress and boost your mood, and will also help you to sleep better since your body will subsequently need the rest.
Try and stay active during the day. The more you do with yourself during the day, the more likely you will be tired enough to more quickly fall asleep at night.
Do not take any naps during the day. If you sleep at all during the day, this will make sleeping at night much more difficult for you.
Try to do some relaxation exercises before you go to bed. You could do progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing exercises, or imagery exercises. When you do imagery exercises, focus on something that soothes you and comforts you. To learn more about these exercises, please read the answer to “I.M. Stressed” under the Stress section of the Emotional Health category of the website.
Find a constructive outlet for your feelings. One thing that might be helpful for you would be to journal about your feelings each day. In addition, if you having trouble settling down at night, before you go to bed you could write a letter to your phone buddy about how you are feeling and everything you would want to tell him if he were on the phone with you. Often when we get our feelings out, they take up less space in our minds, preoccupying us less and allowing us to do the things we want to do.

It sounds like you already have a therapist lined up for yourself, however, if it turns out you need help finding a therapist and you live in northern New Jersey you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

Signed: TeenHealthFX