TeenHealthFX - Answers - Sexually Abused By My Cousin For a Year

Childhood Sexual Abuse / Question
Published: July 8, 2009

Dear TeenHealthFX,

Hi. This is a bit awkward to say really, but i think i might need some advice/help. When I was younger i was sexually abused by my cousin for a year, after my mum had found out (by me accidently blurting it out while i was upset, which i am glad i did) and had it stopped, through speaking to my aunt, my cousin still came round, birthdays, christmas and whenever really, no one stops him. At first i didnt want him there, because, well, its obvious, but then gradually i just stopped caring. He still comes over, and although i dont enjoy his company, and would most likely prefer if he wasnt here, i cant find it in me to care enough to kick him out or any thing like that. My sisters dont believe it though, they hate him for what he did to me, and believes he should stay out of our house forever, and cant understand how i can be around him. I guess i could say im still not over it as sometimes it will come into my head, making me think about what happened and how i never got an apology from my cousin or his parent, but should i not want him in my house? Should I losthe him for what he did and be wanting to forbid him to come her and never see him? What i also find a bit peculiar is that even after the abuse, and another case of it just only a year ago (Sometimes i feel like theres something about me that screams 'Take Advantage of Me'its horrible), i seek touch, i am always hugging someone or wishing for some sort of contact, or seeking any sort of touch, is this normal? because the few close friends that know what i have been through, think its wierd, they think i should be shying away from it, but im not, im the complete opposite. Is there something wrong with my mental state of mind? I understand that you can only respond to a limited number, but i would be very grateful if mine was in the list to be answered. Thank you.

Signed: Sexually Abused By My Cousin For a Year - Weird That I Don't Want Him Around?

Dear Sexually Abused By My Cousin For a Year - Weird That I Don't Want Him Around?,

TeenHealthFX is sorry that you had to deal with ongoing abuse from your cousin when you were younger, and that you experienced abuse at the hands of another person a year ago as well. FX thinks that it is very important for you to meet with a mental health professional trained in dealing with people who have been victims of sexual abuse. Being sexually abused is a very traumatic experience that can affect a person’s thoughts, behaviors, and feelings for a very long time. It doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you – it is actually very common for victims of sexual abuse to feel angry, sad, scared, to blame themselves for what happened, to have difficulty trusting others, and to have difficulties in sexual relationships with future significant others. These kinds of responses are actually normal given the trauma the victim went through. And it is equally normal and helpful to seek out guidance and support from mental health professionals to deal with issues around the sexual abuse – so FX sincerely hopes you will reach out for help with this.

As for your wish for your cousin not to be permitted into your house, FX thinks this is completely normal and understandable. Given the level of hurt and disrespect in what he did to you, as well as the fact that he has not had to deal with any kinds of consequences from his actions (i.e., apologizing to you, having legal repercussions, going through his own therapy, etc.), why would you want him around you? What he did to you was horrible and inexcusable, and you every right to demand that he not be permitted into your house. FX thinks that it is very important for you to speak to your parents about this and let them know that it is extremely important to you that they support your wish about this. Since your sisters are against his being in your house as well, it might be helpful for you to have them there during this conversation so you can feel you have someone in your corner to help you advocate for your needs. Know that it is completely fine, okay and understandable for you to request this of your family – that he not be permitted in the home – and to stand your ground about it. If this becomes an issue, then this is another reason to be in therapy – so your therapist can help you to figure out how to handle the situation.

As for your tendency to be seeking out some sort of touch and contact with others, this is completely normal as well given what you went through. You experienced a very negative kind of touch at the hands of your cousin and you may subsequently have a constant craving for loving physical contact with others in the form of caring hugs and kisses. Second, boundaries of personal space were crossed by your cousin and it may have blurred your perception of appropriate physical boundaries with others. Third, if you are not feeling loved and supported enough right now, you may have significant longing to feel close to other people. Very often, people who have been through some kind of sexual abuse often feel that touch or sex is the only way to feel close to another person.

Know that there is nothing wrong with you, that what happened to you is not your fault, and that it is okay for you to have feelings like anger towards your cousin or not wanting him to be in your house or near you. And know that seeking out help could be very beneficial for you and is definitely recommended by FX. Consider the following resources:

· You can also contact the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN), 1-800-656-HOPE (4673), 24 hours, 7days a week for help and information. You can search for a local counseling center on their website or use their online hotline.

· If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

Signed: TeenHealthFX