TeenHealthFX - Answers - Don't Believe In God and Religion After Being Abused

Childhood Sexual Abuse / Question
Published: August 3, 2009

Dear TeenHealthFX,

I don't believe in religion. My parents are very religious and I haven't told them yet that I don't believe in god or religion or mariage. My father was abused as a child and I remember him saying once to me that "religion saved his life and god helped him in ways nothing and no one else could." gee, how do I tell him that I don't believe in god after "god saved him"? I'm 13 years old and the reason I don't believe in god is that I was sexualy abused by my cousin for almost 6 years until I finaly moved away from there. All the while I was praying to god to make him stop, so that I could be happy and normal, but god never helped me(!!). After I moved I did a lot of thinking. And I thought wow why didn't god "save me"? Did I deserve to be beat and molested everytime my cousin felt like it? What did I do to deserve that? Didn't god care?? And than I realized that god didn't exist. Please answer! I need to find a way to tell my parents that I don't believe in god. I don't trust any teacher or other adult at all, to tell them/ ask them what to do. So I need your help. Signed- why do I deserve this??

Signed: Don't Believe In God and Religion After Being Abused

Dear Don't Believe In God and Religion After Being Abused,

People who have been through abusive and/or traumatizing situations in their lives can have various reactions in terms of religious beliefs. Some people, like your father, become more connected to religion and God as result of the abuse they endured, looking to God and spirituality as what sustained them and helped them through their difficult times. Others, like you, question the existence of God and the benefit of religion, feeling like if there was a God, how could what happened to you have happened. While these reactions are so completely different, both are actually very common and very understandable.

If you feel it is important for you to make it clear to your parents that your beliefs about God and religion are not what theirs are, then FX suggests that you find a time where you can sit down with the two of them, uninterrupted and not rushed, where you can explain your feelings. Let them know why you feel the way you do, that your reaction and your father’s reaction can both easily happen as a result of abuse and trauma, and that you hope he will not feel hurt by your belief, but rather that he try to understand that this is where you are at right now given what you went through.

Having gone through 6 years of terrible abuse at the hands of your cousin, FX wonders if you ever received any kind of mental health treatment to help you deal with what you went through. FX can imagine that you may be feeling enraged with your cousin for what he did to you, as well as angry at the people around you for not noticing and not intervening for so many years. FX can also appreciate that your trust in many things – religion and people included, may have been affected by what you went through. It can be difficult to feel a sense of faith in others after being so mistreated. It is also important to know that you did not deserve to be abused, that your cousin has no right to do what he did, that you are not to blame in any way for what was done to you, and that you do deserve to feel good about your life right now rather than tormented by what happened to you.

All that said, if you haven’t been in any kind of therapy, or feel that there are still things that need to be worked through, FX strongly suggests that you start therapy with someone trained in working with victims of sexual abuse. It might be very helpful for you to have someone in your life whom you can discuss your thoughts and feelings with in a open way and a place to go to get the support and guidance you need. FX knows it will be hard for you to meet with a therapist given your difficulties trusting others. However, we firmly believe that by going despite your trust issues, and making a commitment to work on and deal with those trust issues, you will become much healthier and happier.

Finally, FX wonders if it would help you to speak to some religious leaders in terms of asking the questions you have asked yourself: Why didn’t God answer your prayers? If there is a God, how could something this terrible have happened to you? How can you believe in God and religion after going through this kind of abuse? Different religions and religious leaders will have different responses to these questions, and FX wonders if it would help to consider some of these responses. There is no guarantee as to what would happen as a result, and there is no “right” or “wrong” way that you should be feeling. Your feelings are yours, and they are okay and important. But if this is something that might help to bring you some peace with your feelings, then consider doing this.

If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

You can also contact the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN), 1-800-656-HOPE (4673), 24 hours, 7days a week for help and information. You can search for a local counseling center on their website or use their online hotline.

Signed: TeenHealthFX