Helping Friends/Loved Ones Who Are Suicidal Or In Abusive Situations / Question
Published: September 21, 2009
Dear TeenHealthFX,
my best friend and i are 17, and seiniors in high school. My fiends mom has been in an off and on agian abusive relationship with my firends step dad, who is also the father of her 2 half brothers. The mom keeps going back and forth, almost 5 times with in the last 6 years. the mom has admitted to being raped and yelled at and abused by this man, and he also verbally and emotionally abused my friend so bad she cant even look at a picture of JFK cuase her looks like her stept dad. Its been like this sence she was 8. her mom left him 5 months ago, but is going back now. friend refuses to go, and says she might kill herslef if she goes back. seriously, she tried twice before and has a severe mood disorder. her mom doesnt seem to care, and friend is asking 2 live with me. a social worker at my school says friend can choose were she lives if shes over 16, but whats invloved? court?? my mom doesnt want 2 go through all this drama, and if her mom puts up a stink my mom might just give in and friend will have to live in abusive house. but she cant!!! this could possibly be life or death....i told the school people about her suicidal thoughts growing, and they called and now her mom is MAD. what can i do?? can she legally live with me??? is there a law that says she doesnt have 2 live with her mother if it could end her life??
Signed: Friend Is In An Abusive Home Situation
Dear Friend Is In An Abusive Home Situation,
You raise a lot of important questions here – valid questions that need answering. TeenHealthFX will do our best to help you take on these questions and concerns one at a time.
Living In an Abusive Household
The first issue you raise has to do with a minor living in an abusive household. A minor (meaning an individual under the age of 18) does not have to live in an abusive household or see the only options as suicide or abuse. There are laws in place to protect children from being victimized in their own homes – whether it is sexual abuse, physical abuse, or emotional abuse. If there is ever a concern that some form of abuse is occurring to a child or adolescent, that child or adolescent can either call child protective services him/herself or speak to a trusted adult (such as a school counselor, doctor, or teacher) who can call on their behalf. If an abusive situation is reported to child protective services, a case worker from child protective services must come to that child’s home to evaluate whether or not there is abuse occurring, the extent of any abuse that is happening, whether the child will be safe to remain in the home or needs to be immediately removed, and/or whether services need to be put in place for the child and other family members to ensure the ongoing physical safety and emotional well-being of that child.
As far as your friend, it sounds like some school officials are now involved and hopefully they will be able to intervene on your friend’s behalf. If not, your friend can call child protective services in her state at any time to report what is going on at home. If she is worried about the immediate reaction of her mother or step-father in terms of how angry they might get or if they would try to hurt her, she should include this concern in her report so measures can be taken for her immediate safety.
If your friend lives in New Jersey she can call DYFS at 1-877-NJ-ABUSE. She can also call the Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-792-8610. This hotline is to report physical or sexual abuse for people living in or outside of New Jersey, and is available 24 hours a day, 7days a week. Finally, she can look in the front cover of her local phone book or google her state name and the phrase “child protective services” to get the 800 number for her area.
If necessary, your friend could also make a call on behalf of her step-siblings if at any point she is concerned about their physical safety or emotional well-being in the home.
If, as time goes by, your friend does not feel enough is being done to help her with this situation at home, then it is essential for her to continue to reach out to trustworthy adults who can be helpful to her – school counselors and other school staff members, the child protective services case manager or his/her direct supervisor, and/or any other adult who can intervene on her behalf.
Mental Health Illnesses
You mentioned that your friend has a severe mood disorder. Your friend is also dealing with an abusive and chaotic home environment, which is undoubtedly impacting her in a negative way. Between these two factors, it is essential that your friend receive some kind of mental health treatment. If your friend is not currently in therapy, it is essential that she meet on a weekly basis with a mental health professional such a social worker or psychologist so that she can get help in dealing with the terrible family dynamics she has had to endure for so long, as well as treatment for her mood disorder. If your friend has a mood disorder, FX also recommends that she have a consultation with a psychiatrist who can evaluate whether or not she would benefit from any kind of psychotropic medications.
If your friend’s mother does not take her to get the mental health treatment she needs, this should also be reported to child protective services as it would be illegal for your friend’s mother to deny any medically needed treatment to your friend (and if she has been diagnosed with a mood disorder, this is needed treatment).
· If your friend lives in northern New Jersey and needs help finding a therapist she can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 888-247-1400. Outside of this area she can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in her area. She can also contact her insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with her school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in her area.
Having a Parent Who Is In an Abusive Relationship
It must be very painful and enraging for your friend to watch her mother make the kinds of relationship decisions she has been making over the years with this abusive man. Most people don’t want to see their mothers being treated that way, and it is exceptionally hard for a child or teen to have to suffer the consequences of a parent’s unhealthy relationship decisions since they generally have little to no power and control over the situation.
If an abusive situation is going on at home, a child or adolescent can certainly report it to child protective services or tell a trusted adult. But your friend can also make it clear to her mother how painful it is that her mother has been making these kinds of relationship choices. Your friend could say something like, “Mom, I realize it’s your life and it’s up to you what relationship choices you make. But I want you to know that it’s painful for me to see you with a man who is so abusive to you – who hurts you and who hurts me and my half siblings as well. We all deserve to be treated better than he treats us and I really wish that you would get help with this so you and your children do not have to be mistreated anymore.” Your friend could then give her the following information:
· If you live in New Jersey you can contact JBWS (Jersey Battered Women’s Services) at 973-267-4763. This phone number is a 24 hour confidential helpline. Outside of NJ you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) – 1-800-787-3224 (TTY line for deaf callers) – 24 hours, 7days a week.
· You can also contact the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN), 1-800-656-HOPE (4673), 24 hours, 7days a week for help and information. You can search for a local counseling center on their website or use their online hotline.
Emancipation
FX does not know what state you and your friend live in and, therefore, what laws apply to her. But generally it is not as easy as saying that once a person hits 16, he/she can now decide where they want to live. In fact, if a minor (under the age of 18) moves out of the house without the permission of the parent/guardian, that person could be picked up by the authorities as a runaway or child protective services could get involved. Again, the specific laws often vary by state.
As far as your friend moving in with you (or any other place of her choice), she most likely has two choices depending on the state you live in. She could either get permission from her mother for her to live with you. Generally, as long as safety and health is not endangered in any way, parents have the legal right to allow their children to live with friends or other family members of their choice.
The other option, which your school social worker may have been referring to, is emancipation. Emancipation is a legal process in which minors can attain a legal adulthood status (in certain respects) before reaching the age at which they would normally be considered adults. Emancipation is something granted to a minor by a judge based on things such as the minor’s ability to live on his/her own, age, desire to live independently of the parents, income abilities, and resources as far as places to live. Emancipation is not something that is automatically granted because a teen wants it. It also does not mean that teen has all the privileges of an adult, like voting and consuming alcohol. And it does mean that parents become free of certain responsibilities to their children, such as financial support. Emancipation is also not available in every state. For example, in New Jersey there is no emancipation status.
FX is presenting a very simplified version of all of this, so, again, check the laws of your state. In certain states your friend could legally live with you if her mother granted permission and your friend was considered to be safe and well-cared for in your home, or if your friend was granted emancipation by a judge.
To learn more about emancipation and to get a list of links to the emancipation status in every state, go to the Juvenile Law Center webpage Emancipation in the United States and Emancipation – General Information.
Having a Troubled Friend Move In
TeenHealthFX admires your desire to want to be helpful to your friend. She is clearly in a horrible situation right now and could definitely benefit from being in a living environment where there is structure, nurturing, no abuse, and availability of needed resources (such as mental health treatment). And she could definitely use the love and support of good friends, like yourself. However, FX also thinks that it’s important for you to sit down with your family before you decide to offer up your home as a permanent place for her to live (as opposed to perhaps a temporary residence where she can stay while a suitable permanent place is found or having her go somewhere else all together). There are two things your family needs to think about:
1. From what you have described, your friend’s mother and step-father are both not well emotionally. Will you and your parents be okay about dealing with any issues that come up with them? In addition, your friend will benefit from the structure and love of a healthy household, however, she will most likely continue to deal with emotional issues for some time as her home life has understandably left her with a lot to deal with. Are you and your family members okay about helping her as she deals with all of the emotions she will be coping with in the months and years to come?
2. Given wherever your friend is at emotionally between her “mood disorder,” suicide attempts, and general level of functioning coming off of years of living in an abusive household, does your friend require more than your household can give her for her to heal? For example, some teens do require a residential facility in terms of the structure, intensive treatment, and availability of mental health professionals that residential can provide. FX thinks your family needs to think about whether your friend will get all she needs in your house or whether she requires more.
Again, FX thinks that it is caring and noble of you to consider opening up your home to your friend. However, your friend is in a fragile place right now and needs some stability. That said, you and your family need to decide if you are truly okay about having her there and all of what it will mean for your family and for her, rather than risk your friend coming to live with you, a problem coming up, and then arrangements having to be made for her to go elsewhere. The least disruption and chaos your friend can deal with right now, the better.
Suicide
Again, your friend should not feel like her only options are to be in an abusive household or to suicide. There are other options available, which hopefully she will pursue with the help of staff members at school, as well as with your love and support. However, FX recommends that you give the following to your friend so she has the resource:
If you get to the point that you are seriously considering suicide or are afraid of your impulses then you need to seek help immediately. You can call 911 or go to your nearest hospital emergency room. In northern
Signed: TeenHealthFX
30% of teens with depression also have a substance abuse problem.
