Family Abuse And Violence / Question
Published: September 21, 2009
Dear TeenHealthFX,
Im an 16 year old girl and lately my life has gotten so much harded, my mother was diagnosed with a horrible disease that will eventually land her in a wheelchair, she has broken her leg 2 times in the past 2 years leaving me to help her do everything she needs done(i have no problem doing it), but then my father has found this to be an excuse to get high and go to the bar nearly every week. this has caused the ripple effect and allowedd my parents to argue on a daily bases. this is starting to stress me out so badly im finding it harder to breath and im feeling pressure on my chest, plus im getting sharp pains in the back of my head. My dads emotions are so unpredictable due to the weed that he is either annoyingly happy or extreamly mad. he has broken 3 doors and contless glasses, he is always threatening me and has acutally hit me 3 times, including the time he grabbed me by the neck. I have no idea wat to do, there was one night that was so bad i slept with a phone in my had terrified. its causing my emotions to be all over the place, im constantly feeling horrible and im mad at almost everything im stressed confused and flipping out for little things. my sister is so far away that i have no one to talk to, i tried talking to my best friend but she doesn't listen and she spread some of what i told her to other friends. im losing it and i need help, my father is trying to convince everyone in my family that my mother is crazy and now trying to tell me that i am, hes always putting me down and telling me that im not smart and that im "playing mature" i want to get as far away as possible and he is even counting down the days untill i go for university he tells my mom that "she can takke them kids and go" then five minutes later tells me how proud of me he is, ive been thinking about running away as far as possible but i don't know where i would go and im so upset i fear im going into depression. i need someone to talk to but i can't trust aanyone around me anymore.
Signed: Mother Is Physically Ill And Father Is Emotionally Unstable
Dear Mother Is Physically Ill And Father Is Emotionally Unstable,
TeenHealthFX is very concerned about everything you are carrying on your shoulders right now – caring for your mother, dealing with your emotional reactions to seeing her ill, and dealing with your father’s unpredictable moods and violent behaviors. FX thinks that it is very important for you to get help for yourself immediately as you are clearly and understandably feeling frightened and alone right now. FX wants you to consider the following:
· If you feel you can have the kind of conversation with either one of your parents about how you are feeling right now, FX suggests you start there. Let one or both of them know how much you are struggling with everything going on at home right now, especially the conflicts and violence at home. Let your parents know that you would like the three of you to go to family therapy to address what has been going on.
· If you do not feel you can speak to your parents or to look to them for any kind of help with this, then consider other adults whom you can speak to. You can talk to a school counselor, teacher, the parent of a friend, your family doctor, one of your mother’s doctors, or anyone else who can intervene on your behalf. Depending on whom you speak to and their relationship with your parents, they may try to speak to your parents directly and encourage them to seek out help for all three of you. Or they may choose to contact child protective services so that a case manager can evaluate the situation and determine whether services for you and your parents need to be mandated to ensure your physical safety and emotional well-being at home.
· Know that you always have the option to contact child protective services yourself. If you are dealing with any kind of physical and/or emotional abuse at home, you can call 1-800-NJ-ABUSE to contact DYFS if you live in New Jersey. You can also call The Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-792-8610. This hotline is to report physical or sexual abuse for people living in or outside of New Jersey, and is available 24 hours a day, 7days a week.
· Speak to your parents about them arranging individual counseling for you or talk with another trusted adult who can intervene on your behalf to get you these services. Clearly and understandably you are being negatively affected by what is going on at home – and it is important that you have a safe place where you can go for guidance and support as you deal with various situations and emotions that come up for you. It is also important that you have someone you can talk to about the fact that you have begun to lose faith and trust in others.
· Consider joining a support group that will help you deal with the emotions that have and will come up for you regarding your mother’s illness. Very often local hospitals and clinics will offer support groups for people dealing with particular diseases and for their loved ones. You might check with your local hospital (or ask your school counselor) to see what is available near you. You might also encourage your father to attend such a group as FX could imagine he is struggling a great deal with your mother being ill.
· Consider attending Al-Anon support groups. These groups offer help to the relatives and friends of substance abusers, and may provide you with some useful guidance and support in terms of dealing with your father’s drug and alcohol use. You can call the Al-Anon/Alateen Hotline at 1-800-344-2666, 8am-6pm EST or go to www.al-anon.alateen.org.
With everything going on at home, FX can imagine that it would feel so difficult for you to trust others or have faith that there are people out there who want to be helpful and kind to others. But FX wants to assure you that those people do exist. We strongly believe that if you reach out to some trustworthy, caring people and let them in your life to be there with guidance and support, things can get better for you. You are dealing with exceptionally difficult circumstances at home, and it is understandable that you would be left feeling frightened and depressed – so please reach out for help and keep hope that things can get better.
If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.
If you are ever fearful that you are in immediate danger with your father, go to your local police station, emergency room, or call 911.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
Teens who drink are more likely to be victims of violent crimes and sexual assault, have serious problems in school, be involved in drinking-related traffic crashes, and develop problems with alcohol later in life.
