Childhood Sexual Abuse / Question
Published: October 6, 2009
Dear TeenHealthFX,
I didn't find this in the parents relationship catagory so may I ask about my situation? For almost three years I was molested by my stepdad that I had before thought he was a great dad. It's been close to a year now, so I'm still getting over it. I thought it would be the end of parent drama, but today I think I'm wrong. A recent friend of my mom and I were talking on the phone and he mentioned that he really liked my mom, possibly even loved her!! Now I've met this guy and he seems awesome, but so was my stepdad before he started to molest me! I don't know if I'm being paranoid or something, but I'm afraid. Please! Can you help me?! I'm not ready for another stepdad!
Signed: Not Ready For Another Step-Father
Dear Not Ready For Another Step-Father,
TeenHealthFX can appreciate your ambivalence about the idea of another man coming into your and your mother’s lives. The experience you had with your stepfather has understandably affected the trust you are able to have for others (FX would imagine particularly with men), and maybe even how much you trust yourself. You may worry about trusting your own judgment since you stated that your step-father seemed great prior to the abuse – worry that you won’t be able to tell if someone is a potential threat. You may also have real concern about the intentions and characters of others given what you experienced with your step-father. Maybe you worry about how many people out there have ill-intentions or how many people are able to put on the charm, but underneath have the capacity to be hurtful or cruel. Having been molested by your step-father for so many years can easily and understandably affect how you view other people and how much you feel able to trust others.
FX thinks that the first thing you need to do is talk to your mother about this. Let her know that given what you experienced with your step-father, you have significant concerns about the idea of her letting another man into your lives. If your mother is interested in moving her relationship along with this man, talk together about how she can go about letting this man more into your lives in way that feels safest to you. How slowly do you need her to pace it? Are there any special considerations you would like her to make in dealing with this man and her relationship with him so that you will not feel emotionally or physically threatened?
In addition to talking to your mother, FX suggests that you seek out help from a mental health professional to deal with this issue. There may be unresolved thoughts and feelings about the abuse you endured that you still need to work through. You might also find it helpful to have a trained professional experienced in working with victims of sexual abuse there for you with guidance and support so you can find a way to navigate these difficult situations and relationships in a way where you feel safe.
If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.
You can also contact the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN), 1-800-656-HOPE (4673), 24 hours, 7days a week for help and information. You can search for a local counseling center on their website or use their online hotline.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
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