TeenHealthFX - Answers - So Depressed I've Very Nearly Killed Myself

Suicide / Question
Published: October 5, 2009

Dear TeenHealthFX,

Well...where to start. I have lately been so depressed, I have very nearly killed myself. I have volcano-like reactions, keeping it bottled in and then exploding at tiny things that usually wouldnt upset me at all. My stepdad hates me, and is always trying to upset me. My mom never believes me when I tell her, and my dad doesnt want me. I have loved a boy in my school for three years now, and the hurt he has caused me is permanantly there. It wont heal. I cant even guess how many times Ive cried for him. And the worst of it is, is that he plays with me, somedays telling me he loves me, and others just ignoring me completely. It has ruined my confidence, and although everyone tells me that i'm beautiful, and will one day be a professional dancer, im wonderful and brilliant, one thought goes through my mind. 'Im not beautiful enough for him' I weigh 8st, and I am 13 nearly 14. I am obsessed with my weight, always trying to eat less. I think I am ugly, and my problems have developed so far and grown worse and worse that I cant tell anyone (besides you) about them. More often then not, I just want out. I think the only thing stopping me is the immense fear of pain that I have. You see, I'm a wimp as well! I have also recently upset a friend of mine, and she has gone on and told someone else, who is sure to tell everyone how horrible I am. I can't face school. This probably seems very childish, but I think I am the biggest failiure ever. thanks for your time

Signed: So Depressed I've Very Nearly Killed Myself

Dear So Depressed I've Very Nearly Killed Myself,

TeenHealthFX is sorry that you are feeling so distressed right now and that you are also feeling so poorly about yourself. It sounds like your parents and step-father have not been there for you in a way that has fostered your being able to feel good about yourself. FX imagines there are plenty of very wonderful and special things about you – but we can appreciate that it might feel hard for you to recognize them if you do not feel you have gotten the love, attention, support, and encouragement you have needed (like any child and teen needs) from your caregivers.

FX wonders if you are being hard on yourself in terms of seeing yourself as a “wimp” for not killing yourself. Rather than some weakness it is very possible that there is a strength within you that is keeping you from killing yourself – a part of you that knows that your life is worth living, things can get better, and with some time and work you can move on from the place you are in now to live a happier, more peaceful life. If you have people telling you that you are “beautiful,” “wonderful,” “brilliant” and have the talent to one day become a professional dancer – it sounds like you have a lot to live for.

As for your mood and dealing with the current situation you are in, FX thinks that it is VERY important for you to be in some kind of mental health treatment as soon as possible. Your “volcano-like” reactions and suicidal thoughts certainly may be a reaction to your home environment, but it is also possible that they are partly due to a mood disorder. FX thinks that it is extremely important for you to be evaluated by a mental health professional who can determine whether or not you have a mood disorder and who can develop an effective treatment plan with you in the event that you do.

Even if you do not have a mood disorder, FX strongly recommends that you seek out treatment with a therapist to deal with all the family dynamics that have you in so much distress. Ideally, it would be great if you could have both your mother and step-father in family therapy with you to address the problems you described above, but even if you could just go with your mother that would be great. There are obviously some strained and conflictual relationships going on at home that need to be dealt with.

If your mother and step-father refuse to take part in family therapy, then it is important for you to seek out individual therapy. That way you would have a place to go to sort out all of your feelings related to your relationships with your mother, step-father, and father, as well as a place where you can learn how to most effectively deal with them so you do not feel so distressed and down on yourself. Given the rocky relationships with all of your caregivers, FX could imagine that relationships in general may be difficult for you – that it may feel hard to form close, loving, healthy relationships with others and to be able to trust other people. This is an issue you can also deal with in therapy – and FX thinks that once you begin to work on this issue you will find that the nature of friendships and dating relationships in your life will gradually improve. Very often we take the relationships we grew up with and keep playing them out with friends and/or significant others. It will be helpful for you to work these issues out in therapy with your therapist so you don’t have to play them out again and again in your personal life.

FX would also like to add that we can understand your obsession with your weight. For one thing, it sounds like it is very difficult for you to feel good about yourself – it is easy for people with low self-esteem to become fixated on their weight and physical appearance. Second, it sounds like there is a lot in your life which feels very out of your control – how your father feels about you, how your step-father treats you, and that your mother doesn’t believe the distress you are in. Very often people will focus on weight as a way to feel a sense of control over something. While it is understandable that this has become an issue for you, FX does think this is another issue that needs to be addressed in therapy. Eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia are very serious mental health illnesses that can cause significant physical and emotional damage – so treating this before it gets any worse would be critical.

Again, FX understands the distress you are in and that it is probably hard right now to imagine that things can get better. But know that there are adults out there who have the ability to care and be loving, who will want to be loving and supportive of you in a healthy way, and who will be more than happy to be helpful to you in any way they can. By getting into therapy and doing some work, and finding peers and adults who are able to be caring in how they relate to others, FX has great hope that your situation can improve. Just keep hope and reach out to trusted adults for help.

If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

If you get to the point that you are seriously considering suicide or are afraid of your impulses then you need to seek help immediately. You can call 911 or go to your nearest hospital emergency room. In northern New Jersey you can also call the crisis hotline from Morristown Memorial hospital at 973-540-0100. Outside this area call the Suicide & Crisis Hotline, 1-800-999-9999, 24 hours, 7 days a week.

Signed: TeenHealthFX