Helping Friends And Loved Ones With Their Emotional Issues / Question
Published: January 4, 2010
Dear TeenHealthFX,
One of my best friend's has been cutting herself for over a year. She is a recovered anorexic and still has a lot of emotional issues. She drinks, smokes, parties, and hook up with guys way more than is healthy. I know she has a lot of trouble with low self-esteem, which I think is why she hooks up with so many guys. Her parents have given up on her. She sees a therapist but I don't think he does anything except prescribe her medication. I know she is unhappy, but I don't have experience with any of these problems and I don't know what to say. Any advice would be much appreciated. signed, how do I make my friend happier?
Signed: How Can I Make My Friend Happier?
Dear How Can I Make My Friend Happier?,
TeenHealthFX is sorry that your friend is in such emotional distress right now both in terms of what it means for her, as well as the pain it must cause for you as you watch someone you care about act in such a self-destructive manner.
You can be helpful to your friend in the following ways:
· The first is to understand that you cannot “make” her happy and you cannot “make” her change. We do not have the power and control to “make” anyone else do or feel anything that they do not want to. We are only in control of our own feelings, behaviors, and choices. FX raises this with you because there are things you can do and say that might influence your friend to make healthier choices, however, it is important that you are aware that in the end the choice is hers how she wants to live her life. It will be unhealthy for you to get into a place where you become overly responsible for her decisions – so think about choice and responsibility here.
· Talk to your friend about your concerns. Let her know that when she hooks up so much, drinks, does drugs, and cuts that it leaves you really worried about her emotional health, mind, and body. Let her know that you would really like her to consider changing or cutting back on some of these behaviors – and that your request comes out of how much you care about her. You can offer her the resources listed at the bottom of the page.
· Let your friend know that she has choices. Tell her that you appreciate all of the stressors she has to deal with in her life and the things that must feel like terrible obstacles to her. But let her know that the closer she gets to adulthood, the more and more control she will have over her life – where she works, where she lives, who she spends her time with, etc. Let her know how important it is to you that she start making choices now that will put her on a more positive path as time goes on.
· Ask your friend if there is anything you can do to be helpful to her. Does she need more help from adults, such as a new therapist, a school counselor, or someone else who can provide more help for her and her family – and would she like your help in reaching out to people? Would she like to spend more time with you doing productive things rather than self-destructive things?
· Consider involving more adults if your friend chooses not to. You can speak to your parents, her parents, or a counselor at school on her behalf.
· If time goes on and you see that your friend does not want to make any changes, you will need to decide how close you want to stay to her. You may decide to distance yourself from her – you may even decide that you want to let her know that one of the consequences of her choosing to continue this behavior is that, at least for now, the relationship is going to have more distance.
· Always make sure to have trusted adults in your life who you can talk to in order to get support and guidance as you deal with this situation and your relationship with this friend.
You can give your friend the following resources:
· You can contact the Self-Injury Hotline (information only, not a crisis line) at 1-800-DON’T-CUT, 1-800-366-8288.
· If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.
· National Institute on Drug Abuse & Alcoholism, 1-888-644-6432
Signed: TeenHealthFX
While 93% of teenage women report that their first intercourse was voluntary, one-quarter of these young women report that it was unwanted. 
