TeenHealthFX - Answers - I Told Myself I Wouldn't Cut Again

Cutting / Question
Published: May 29, 2003

Dear TeenHealthFX,

I wrote a couple of days ago about my problem...I didn't get an answer I know you are really busy but I feel like I need to try again, I am 15.... a couple of months ago I started to cut myself, I have cut my wrist once, and my leg. I have trouble hiding it; two people have seen already and asked what it was I just told them it was my cat (by the way I don't have a cat) They aren't deep but I have read about cutting and I heard that you build a tolerance and begin to cut deeper and deeper this freaks me out. I actually stopped after the 3rd time I cut, it felt good at first but I hated the feelings of guilt and disgust with myself afterwards. But a month or so later (about a day or two ago) I got upset again.... so I cut my arm for the first time (first time on my arm) it was like all my pain was gone but I am so ashamed. I now have scabs on my arm and two scars on my knee. I don't want to have scars all over me! I don't know anyone else who does this and I don't want to be the only one...WHO CAN I TALK TO! I feel so alone. I can't stop, I told myself I would never do it again and I was convinced, but I did! I did it again. I cant believe myself I consider myself in control but I feel so out of control I cant tell myself to stop and I don't want it to get worse. I love it and I hate it...it feels good but I hate the feeling the next day. I don't know if I want to stop because I feel proud sometimes (this is going to sound weird) it is almost summer what if someone sees my cuts how do I hide them! Someone is going to find out. I also have these little "episodes" about every three weeks I get very depressed this is when I cut, I usually have time to heel cuts in this time. I only cut on these weeks. (MOSTLY) I feel drained, tired, sad, ashamed, worthless and all bad things. I cry everyday I feel like my family doesn't love me and it would be better if I wasn't around, I have thought about running away but I am scared. One day, I will think how much my family hates me and then the next day I feel so ashamed that I ev

Signed: I Told Myself I Wouldn't Cut Again

Dear I Told Myself I Wouldn't Cut Again,

There are several items in your questions that cause TeenHealthFX a great deal of concern. Your cutting is getting more destructive, you acknowledge having no control over this behavior, your feeling isolated and your emotional condition seems to be getting worse. Add these all up and you will see that you are in desperate need of help. Cutting starts as a temporary way of relieving stress, anxiety or depression. Often time it escalates because it does nothing to relive the underlying issues causing the emotional pain. If the behavior becomes frequent enough a vicious cycle of cutting followed by remorse, and guilt. When the remorse and guilt subside, the negative feeling creep back in and the whole cycle starts again. Does this sound familiar?

In order for your situation to get better you have to deal with the underlying problems that lead to the destructive behavior. Feeling, "drained, tired, sad, ashamed, worthless" are classic symptoms of depression and can be effectively treated with therapy, medication or a combination of both. You need to talk to your parents about how much you have been struggling and that you really need their help. Although you feel your parents may not love you, chances are this has more to do with you feeling unlovable. In any case your parents have a moral and legal obligation to get you help based on what you are reporting. If you want to give them an idea of the despair you have been feeling, show them the posting to your question from the TeenHealthFX website.

If you need a recommendation for a therapist or psychiatrist ask your family doctor or a counselor at school. Since they are accustomed to working with young people they can probably make a suggestion based on previous experiences. If you live in northern New Jersey you can also call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 888-247-1400. You can also log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration's website for referrals to professionals in your area.

If at any time you feel you might hurt your self or become afraid of your impulses, then you need to seek help right away. You can call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room. In northern New Jersey you can also call the Crisis Hotline from Morristown Memorial Hospital at 973-540-0100. Outside of this area, you can call the Suicide & Crisis Hotline 1-800-999-9999, 24 hours, 7 days a week.

Signed: TeenHealthFX