Questionable Relationships / Question
Published: March 4, 2004
Dear TeenHealthFX,
I am a 14 year old female and I have been messing (kissing and stuff) with this 19 year old. And I have known him for 2 years now. I know that he will not force me to have sex with him because he goes to church every week and he is a virgin. I just want to know is there any way he can get in trouble for the stuff we do?
Signed: 14 Year Old With 19 Year Old Boyfriend
Dear 14 Year Old With 19 Year Old Boyfriend,
TeenHealthFX is glad that you wrote. Even though it sounds like you know your boyfriend well and trust him a lot, it must be confusing at times for you to be involved in a relationship with someone so much older.
To answer your question directly, many states will set a minimum age where minors can consent to sexual activity. The age limits vary from state to state. Even if you are at the age of consent in your state there is also a law that bars sexual activity between a minor and adult if there is a age difference of 4 or more years. Our legal system recognizes the inappropriateness of a relationship that involves intercourse between a minor and adult and sets guidelines to protect the minor. If an adult had sexual intercourse with a 14 year old, he could be prosecuted and sent to jail for sexual assault.
But whether or not a law is being violated does not necessarily dictate whether it is a good thing for you to continue with the relationship. Depending on the situation, for a 14 year old girl to be dating someone significantly older often leads to compromising situations both physically and emotionally. Whether or not you can "get in trouble" for it is besides the point. The real issue is whether or not you are ready to handle the responsibility of this kind of relationship and can continue with it without putting yourself in a compromising position.
TeenHealthFx is happy to hear that you are not being pressured to have sex with your boyfriend despite your age difference. It is also good to know that you have known one another for a long time and that you feel that he is a trustworthy person with good, solid values. But although "messing" may be ok, think about where it will lead, when it will go there, and when that time comes whether or not you think that that will be something that you can handle or want to be involved in.
Just be sure that you are very clear about where your boundaries lie and that you do not feel compromised in any way. If you do have a strong relationship with your boyfriend, then you should be able to talk with him openly about these issues and what you may or may not be comfortable with. Hopefully, he will hear you out and respect your decisions. If not, you may want to take a step back and reevaluate the relationship.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
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