Significant Others: Girlfriends & Boyfriends / Question
Published: November 26, 2002
Dear TeenHealthFX,
I feel that my boyfriend is compulsive liar. I have recently confronted him on this issue, but nothing seems to work. I feel like he is just telling me more stories. For example, he has told me things like he got a 1600 on the SAT's when he took them online, but doesn't have the scores to prove it. He told me he burned them because no one would believe him. And he has told me other things like he can hypnotize people, but when I asked him to show me he refuses. But then he told me that he hypnotized me twice without me knowing. He has also told me some other "unbelievable" things. I have confronted him twice on this issue and get nowhere. He just insists that I am only always trying to prove people wrong. I don't know what to do anymore, I want to believe him he always seems to have an explanation but no proof. I just feel like he is just telling me stories, I just don't understand. Please help.
Signed: Boyfriend Is Not Telling the Truth
Dear Boyfriend Is Not Telling the Truth,
TeenHealthFX hears how frustrated you are. It is never easy to deal with someone who you feel that you cannot trust - particularly when that person is someone with whom you are close.
Have you thought about why your boyfriend may be telling such tall tales? There could be a number of reasons why he finds it necessary to lie. Some people have very low self-esteem/worth. If they do not feel good enough about something they could lie about it to make themselves feel better, or perhaps less embarrassed, or even look good in others' eyes. It is also possible that he may have not been taught that lying is wrong and therefore does not realize that what he is doing can be hurtful to the people around him.
"Confronting" him again and again may only make your boyfriend more uneasy and defensive and lead to more lies. You could try approaching him calmly - and as a friend - about your concerns. You obviously care about him and want to help. You should try to talk about this at a time when things are going well - not at a time when you are upset or you think he is lying. Try not to be judgmental and think about focusing on finding out why he may be telling lies. Maybe then you will be able to decide whether or not he is lying because he does not know it is wrong, or needs a real friend to show him that being who he is is good enough for you, and that lying is not necessary. By showing your boyfriend that you care, he may want to change. Give him a chance his behavior and if he continues on with this bad habit it could be possible that lying serves a different purpose for him and that he may be unable to stop at this time.
Remember, as you grow and mature, your relationships may change and people may go in and out of your life. Pay close attention to the different types of relationships you have had- the way the people in your life treat you, what sort of things you can talk about, and the things you like to do. Soon you will see what qualities in a person are most important to you. Whatever it is that you value most, make sure that your needs as well as your friends are being met. If you are feeling neglected or mistreated by someone you are involved with then you need to look more closely at this relationship. Relationships should bring you joy not misery. Find out what you want, and try not to be overtaken by those around you who are not yet mature enough to commit to a true friendship. Read our answer to What Is A Good Friend - although you are talking about a romantic relationship - most rules of good friendship hold true for dating as well.
Lastly, prepare yourself for the possibility that your boyfriend may not respond to your concern or may get angry. Remember if he is not able to deal with these emotions, he may not be able to hear the truth either. In any case do not blame yourself for caring, he may come around and recognize the goodness of your intentions.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
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