Parents & Family / Question
Published: December 10, 2002
Dear TeenHealthFX,
I am a middle child 15 years old, with an 18-year-old older brother. My mother favors my older brother. He always gets out of punishments, he rarely ever has to do chores, and he can say or do whatever he wants to me and my little rother and my mom ignores it. But if I try anything like he does, I get yelled at. Every time I try to bring it up to my mom, she insists that I'm imagining things. I got yelled at the other day for doing nothing - just watching TV - and my mom - who was doing the yelling - asked my brother what he did that day and he says nothing. And she just walks away!! Please help! I don't know if I can stand this favoritism anymore!
Signed: My Mom Plays Favorites
Dear My Mom Plays Favorites,
TeenHealthFX understands that this is a difficult position to be in. A lot of times parents do not even realize that they are favoring one child over another, which is why your mom might be telling you that you are imagining things. But, of course, that does not make it any less real or frustrating to you.
You are doing the right thing by telling your mom how you feel about things. One of the best ways you can approach her is by finding a time when the two of you can be alone and you have some time to tell her exactly how you are feeling. Be ready with specific examples of how she has treated your older brother different from you and how it hurts your feelings when she does so. Try not to get angry or upset because that can make you say things in a tone of voice that might put your mom on the defensive, which could end up with her getting mad and not listening to the points you are making. Be sure to listen to her side of the story, too - perhaps she does not expect as much from your older brother because he is getting old enough to move out on his own or go to college and you are still a "child" in her eyes. While it does not justify her treating the two of you differently, at least it makes her recognize and admit that she is doing this and that it is affecting you negatively. Perhaps, then, she will think twice about doing so in the future.
If talking to your mother one - on - one does not work, you might want to bring things up right after she does something that clearly favors your older brother over you. It is best not to yell or get angry when she treats your brother differently, rather, you should calmly point out that she is making you do one thing while your brother does not have to or vice versa. Pointing the favoritism out as it happens might show your mom that you are not making things up and that she is not treating the two of you the same. Perhaps then she will realize what she is doing and think about her actions in the future.
If none of this works, you might consider talking to a trusted adult about things, like an older family member, teacher, guidance counselor, school nurse or your pediatrician. He or she might be able to offer some advice about how you can talk to your mom about this or might even decide to talk to her for you. It is best to talk to your mom about things first, however, so she does not feel like you are going behind her back or anything. But, if you have tried that and it does not seem to help at all, sometimes getting another adult's advice and/or assistance can be beneficial.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
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