Parents & Family / Question
Published: January 12, 2006
Dear TeenHealthFX,
I'm 14 and my parents have been divorced since i was like 5. My dad was an achoholic and abusive. Basically he beat my mom. Well I live with my mom and sometimes my dad calls and says he wants to see us but I don't. My dad dosent even pay child support so my om struggles to keep us happy. My mom told us that my dad told the courts that my mom was keeping us (me and my 2 sisters one is 16 and one is 12) away from him. Well she said we may have to go to court and tell the judge that we don't want to see him. I'm not afraid to go and tell them that I don't want to see him. My mom told me that since I remember so much from childhood that I'm the one that can keep me and my sisters away. I'm just afraid that they will make us go see him. I want him to stay out of my life. How can I overcome all of this? signed: My dad won't stay away
Signed: My Dad Won't Stay Away
Dear My Dad Won't Stay Away,
TeenHealthFX FX is very sorry to hear about all the things you have been dealing with over the years. Witnessing domestic violence, coping with your father alcohol abuse and his difficulty being responsibly involved in your life, financial constraints, and now worrying that you would be forced to spend time with – it’s a tremendous amount for anyone to deal with.
Since you and your sisters are minors, and your mother is responsible for your care and well-being, it is important that she continue to inform anyone through the courts about the specific concerns she has regarding visits with your father. FX understands that it can be draining and difficult to endure, however, it is important that she continue to advocate for the well-being of her children. Because of your age, and the ages of your sisters, it is very likely that the judge involved with your case would want to meet with the three of you in order to learn about your feelings and wishes in the matter. It may help for the three of you to sit down with your mother, and/or anyone representing your family in court, to discuss and make a list of your specific concerns about the idea of reuniting with your father. The three of you may even want to role play and practice saying out loud what you would want to say to the judge so that you will each feel more ready and comfortable when it comes time to speak to him or her.
When you mention being able to “overcome” all of this, FX does think that it is perfectly normal for you to have developed a lot of strong reactions and feelings to the various difficult circumstances you have had to deal with over the years. We strongly recommend that you meet with a counselor so that you can work through any negative feelings and hopefully find some peace for yourself. A counselor would also be able to help you to plan what you would like to do if any future situations come up that may be tough to deal with (i.e., a situation with the courts; if your father ever tries to contact you).
If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
One in four teenage girls in the 
