Parents & Family / Question
Published: January 23, 2003
Dear TeenHealthFX,
My parents are incredibly strict. They will not let me havea normal teenage life. They are always telling me tht it is my fault though because I have too much to do, when all that I do is go to school, church, and whatever errands that they have to do because I am 17 and not allowed to stay home by myself. They are always telling me that I should not hang out with my friends from school because tey are not Christian and that I shoud only hang out with people from my curch. I think that that is not really fair because they won't even get to know my friends. I am so stressed out because I feel ike a bad kid for doing tings behind their backs, but otherwise I can't have a life that I feel is worth living. I feel really fat.... I am 5'8'' and 133 lbs. I also feel like I just want to die sometimes , but the only thing keeping me going is my boy friend which I amnot allowed to have because I m not allowed to date. I fel like as soon as I am 18 I am going to turn into a rebel and I dont want that!!!! Also, my boyfriendwill be leaving for the NAVY son, so I feel that I wll hav no point to living even though he still wants to stay together and get married whe he comes back because I will have no relief rom my parents while he is in training. Plese help me!!!!!
Signed: Parents Incredibly Strict - Help
Dear Parents Incredibly Strict - Help,
One of the reasons adolescence and young adulthood can be complicated is that we are in a period of growth and change. We start to develop thoughts and ideas about the world and begin to define our own values. In seeking this autonomy we very often question those ideals and truths that our parents hold dear. Sometimes we reach the same conclusions and sometimes we do not. This is all part of the growth process as we struggle to become the person we wish to be.
Just because you do not agree with your parents does not mean that you do not love or respect them. TeenHealthFX thinks it would be important for you to sit with your parents and try to communicate this idea to them. Let your parents know that you love and value their opinion but feel that you need more freedom. You will be 18 soon and possibly next fall or sometime in the near future you will be leaving home. When this happens, you will be making your own decisions will have to be responsible for the outcomes. By protecting you too much, your parents will inadvertently shield you from the valuable experience of learning from your mistakes. It would be better for you and your parents, that when you do leave home, it is with their support and understanding rather than fleeing an intolerable situation.
One of the themes that come across in your question is the sense of powerlessness you experience. Part of the problem may be that you are placing too much blame on your parents for the way you feel. By doing this you are effectively saying that your parents have control over your moods and emotions. Granted your parents do exert a strong influence over your existence, but they do not control how you respond to situations. It seems like you are feeling so miserable that you see your boyfriend as the only salvation in your life. This is not healthy for you or your boyfriend. It is not to say that your boyfriend is not special, but for you to recognize that you are special also. At 17 you have a lot to look forward too. It would be helpful if you focused on what you would like out of life and not wait to be rescued. It is obvious from your letter that you are a thoughtful intelligent person, however it seems like you cannot see it. TeenHealthFX feels that therapy might be a good way for you to explore this area as well as some of the other issues you raised (like feeling fat. If you check your Body Mass Index score (Appropriate Height and Weight www, teenhealthfx.com/answers/Sports-18.htm) you will find that you are in a healthy range.).
If, at any time, you feel that you may hurt yourself OR someone else, contact your local hospital or call 9-1-1 immediately. If you live in Northern NJ, you can contact Atlantic Health System's 24-hour Crisis Hotline at (973) 540.0100 or call the Suicide & Crisis Hotline 1-800-999-9999 24 hours, 7 days a week.
In this same area you can get help finding a therapist by calling the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 888-247-1400.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
The risk of motor vehicle crashes is higher among 16- to 19-year-olds than among any other age group.
