TeenHealthFX - Answers - Shoud I Stay Home For My Boyfriend?

Significant Others: Girlfriends & Boyfriends / Question
Published: May 30, 2006

Dear TeenHealthFX,

I am a 17 year old female who is graduating from high school this year. I have a boyfriend that is older, and already in college. We have been together for over 3 years, and are very serious about each other. I just recently got accepted to the one college in my state that offers a masters program for the field I want to go into. Everyone I have talked to believes this is a great opportunity and course to start off my life, except my boyfriend. Up until now, he has been supportive of me in every way possible. This college I am considering attending is pretty far from home, so I would have to live on campus and would only be able to visit during breaks. My boyfriend wants me to go to a junior college and THEN transfer to this school so that he can move up with me after he graduates, but I'm afraid that if I don't go now, I'll be missing out. He is worried that our relationship wouldn't work out if I left, because he knows many long-distance relationships don't. I love him very much and want things to work out with us. He feels like I'm abandoning the relationship by wanting to leave, but I really think starting off at this college would be the smartest choice for my life and my future. I know that when you choose one path, the door to another closes. If I stay, there's the chance we could still break up, and I'd regret not going. But if I go now, it might not work out and I'd be stuck wondering "what if I had just stayed for him.." I'm so confused and have no idea what to do! Please help!!

Signed: Shoud I Stay Home For My Boyfriend?

Dear Shoud I Stay Home For My Boyfriend?,

TeenHealthFX can appreciate that confusion that you are experiencing in terms of what to do with this situation. The problem with your situation is that nobody has a crystal ball in terms of knowing ahead of time whether big life decisions will work out the way they want. There is always a risk to any decision, that it may or may not unfold the way we planned. And the fact is that neither staying nor leaving can absolutely confirm that your relationship will last forever.

Since you stated that your boyfriend has tended to be very supportive of you in the past, FX recommends speaking with him about you are feeling, as well as trying to get a better understanding about where he is coming from. It sounds like fear is starting to take over in his decision-making process with this situation – the fear of losing you. It might be helpful if he has you there to sympathize with the fear that he is experiencing, but to also gently remind him that the two of you cannot let your fears interfere with wonderful opportunities that will help each of you to grow as individuals.

Developing our individual selves does not automatically mean trouble for the relationship, but can very often be helpful for it! Keep in mind that healthier relationships tend to have a balance between people doing for the relationship and doing for themselves. If you put too much energy into the relationship and end up neglecting yourself, a few things can happen: resentment about your own personal needs that were sacrificed for the relationship, feeling and acting in an overly dependent way towards your significant other, feeling incomplete as a person, having significant difficulty functioning or taking care of yourself if the relationship were ever to end. On the other hand, if more energy goes into you and the relationship is neglected there can be a distance and discord in the relationship, which can feel troublesome to both people. So the key is balance – putting time and energy into things that help you grow and that help the relationship to develop. All that said, in making your decision, FX suggests thinking about what decision feels most balanced to you.

Consider whether what your boyfriend is asking of you is really fair and reasonable – and to let him know if you think it is not and why. We also recommend getting the advice from people you trust – whether it is your parents, a friend, a teacher or counselor at school. Sometimes it can be helpful hearing the viewpoints of others – especially if they ever found themselves in a similar situation at some point in their lives.

Signed: TeenHealthFX