TeenHealthFX - Answers - Is It So Bad To Want To Be Popular?

ME & Relationships / Question
Published: July 30, 2008

Dear TeenHealthFX,

My mother says that trying to be in the popular group is a waste of time. That I should focus on finding true friends instead. But I am totally obsessed with being popular. All the popular people just seem like they have more fun and everybody looks up to them. I don't get why it's so bad to try to be popular. The problem for me is that I spend so much time trying to act cool and wear the right clothes and do everything to fit it, but I'm still not quite making it in to the popular group. But I want it so bad. Should I keep trying to be popular or is my mother right that it's a waste of time?

Signed: Is It So Bad To Want To Be Popular?

Dear Is It So Bad To Want To Be Popular?,

It sounds like it doesn’t make sense to you that your mother would disprove of your trying to be accepted into the popular group. If you feel unclear about why she sees it as a waster of time, FX recommends that you have her clarify her opinion for you so you understand where she is coming from. In many cases the “popular” kids are the kids who are into drinking, drugs and hard partying – so it is possible that one of her concerns is that in focusing on becoming popular, you will get caught up in this kind of behavior. In addition, your mother might also be worried that in fight to achieve popularity, you may be losing yourself. One of problems with “popularity” is that many people become so all-consumed with achieving it that they lose track of who they are and their own personal, unique identity. You say that you are trying very hard to wear the “right” clothing and to say the “right” things to fit into their group. But does that mean that you are then altering yourself to fit someone else’s standards? Is the true you getting lost in this pursuit of popularity and is that why you are having such a hard time making this popular thing work for you?

In terms of who your friend group is going to be, FX also wants you to consider whether you really want to join a group based on materialism and exclusivity? Your mom has a really good point when she says that you should be looking for true friendship—the best of friends are chosen not for their labels or “popularity” but what they have in common with you. Strong enduring friendships are based on commonalities and being cared for and respected for who you are as a person.

TeenhealthFX encourages you to abandon your plans to adjust yourself for “popularity” and to begin looking for friends with things in common with you. Remember that if you change yourself for more “popular” friends, once you become friends with them you will have to keep up the popular act—and you might make the unpleasant discovery that you have become someone you don’t like. For example, the “popular” you might curse more, blow off family members, or be mean to peers outside of the “in group.” You might also find that it feels sad and lonely to be liked for the person you are pretending to be, rather than for the person you really are underneath. FX would also like to remind you that while there may be this ideal that being popular means being well-liked, the fact is that in most instances the “popular” group in school is not well-liked, but instead is despised and envied. In the end popularity is not all it is cracked up to be – so hopefully you will be able to find a way to let your true self shine and form some real friendships where you will no longer crave empty titles of superiority or false friendships.

Signed: TeenHealthFX