Parents & Family / Question
Published: December 17, 2008
Dear TeenHealthFX,
I'm close to my dad but he is an alcoholic. I talked to him about it, told him how it bothers me, and said that it's also what people say at school and around town. by the time I was finished I had drowned myself in tears. and he still had the nerve to say, "thats me, get used to it, if you dont like it well then thats just too bad." and you have to understand, he is my best friend, and I love him to death. he and I have a close father-daughter bond, we tell each other everthing, but it gets to me. can you help me or tell me how to deal with him, and the people that ask me about him or make jokes about it?
Signed: Father Tells Me I Need To Accept Him For Being An Alcoholic
Dear Father Tells Me I Need To Accept Him For Being An Alcoholic,
TeenHealthFX thinks that it very important that you either be in your own therapy, or attend a group like Alateen (a support group for young people who are related to alcoholics) to get some guidance and support in how to deal with your father. There are certainly ways you can encourage him to make changes – and telling him about the pain you are experiencing is a good start. But it would be helpful for you to have other people to speak to about this so that you can get some other ideas about what you can do that might positively influence his decision about drinking.
While there are things you can do that have a possibility of influencing change, FX thinks that it is important for you to understand that in the end there is nothing you can do to make him change or to guarantee he changes – at the end of the day he is the only one who can decide to get help for his drinking. If he is adamant about not getting help for himself, and nothing you say or do helps the situation, then you will need support and guidance in figuring out how you want to deal with his decision and what kind of relationship you want to have with him if this is the life he chooses to lead. You are clearly in conflict now between the part of you that loves him and cherishes the close relationship that you have had and the part of you that does not want to see him drinking because of the hurt it causes him and you. A therapist, or a group like Alateen, can help you figure out where to go from here. Do you accept his drinking and let it go? Do you distance yourself from him and make sure that you do not do anything to enable his drinking? What do you do with the hurt and anger you have about his decision? These are questions you will need to figure out if you are ever to come to some kind of peace with the situation.
A therapist can also help you to develop ways of dealing with the questions and the jokes that understandably feel so embarrassing and uncomfortable to you. Whether you want to say something like, “You know, this is a private matter that I really don’t feel comfortable discussing” or “I guess it’s easy for you to make jokes about it, but if you were in my shoes you would see that there is really nothing funny about what is going on,” or “You know, when you say those kinds of things it really hurts me and I wonder if you even realize that.”
FX is sorry that you have to deal with such a difficult situation. It is very painful to see someone we love acting in such a self-destructive way – and we can only imagine all the pain that this has been causing you. But please reach out for help so that you can find a way to deal with the situation that is healthiest for your emotional well-being. You cannot control your father’s emotions or behaviors – but remember that you will always be in charge of your own.
If you live in northern
You can call the Al-Anon/Alateen Hotline at 1-800-344-2666, 8am-6pm EST. This hotline offers help for young people who are the relatives and friends of problem drinkers. www.al-anon.alateen.org
Signed: TeenHealthFX
The motor vehicle death rate for male drivers and passengers ages 16-19 is more than one and half times that of their female counterparts.
