TeenHealthFX - Answers - Is This What Happens With A Hook Up That Stays A Hook Up?

Questionable Relationships / Question
Published: March 9, 2009

Dear TeenHealthFX,

i'm a bit confused but i wanted to throw this out there: i met a guy my age in college (i'm 20). we sort of jumped into things. so, the point is i'm fine with just hooking up, and i thought he was ok with it too. until recently. he sends me mixed messages. he's nice to me. he talks to me and listens to me. he's affectionate. then he turns into the devil. should i blame him? should i blame myself? is this what happens when you hook up with someone and keep it that way?

Signed: Is This What Happens With A Hook Up That Stays A Hook Up?

Dear Is This What Happens With A Hook Up That Stays A Hook Up?,

TeenHealthFX thinks that you should not look to blame anyone in this situation. All that blaming does is keep a person angry and focused on who needs to be “punished” for the situation. And focusing on finding blame and fault doesn’t change anything or make the situation any better. The fact is that you both contributed to things being where they are now. If you are unhappy, you need to focus on whether this situation is something you want and are okay with, or if you want to do something to change this hooking up arrangement.

Ongoing hook-ups can go in all kinds of directions. There are times when the hook-ups can lead to an exclusive dating relationship. There are other times when the hook-up goes on until it simply fizzles out or circumstances get in the way of it continuing (for example, a college student’s hook-up relationship stopping when the semester is over) – where there is really no drama or hard feelings. Finally, ongoing hook-ups can come with a certain amount of drama. Because there is not an agreed upon exclusive relationship, but there is a kind of implied agreement that only the two of you will be physically intimate, there can easily be some fuzzy ground that is ripe with tension.

It sounds like your ongoing hook-up has taken shape in the last form we described. What you need to decide is whether or not it is worth it for you to continue. Is his change in mood and attitude towards you something you can put up with or is it not okay with you and you need to stop the hook-ups? Only you can know what is best for you. But remember that if you decide to stay in this hook-up knowing that this guy can be this way, you need to take responsibility for your choice and accept that you will have to deal with his affectionate side and the “devil” in him.

As always, FX likes to remind our readers to practice safer sex. We recommend using condoms to protect against unwanted pregnancies and the transmission of STDs, as well as a back-up method of birth control such as the pill or patch.

Signed: TeenHealthFX