TeenHealthFX - Answers - Hate When My Boyfriend Is Mad At Me

Significant Others: Girlfriends & Boyfriends / Question
Published: April 1, 2009

Dear TeenHealthFX,

I am thirteen and have been going out with my boyfriend for ten months. We both have been stressed lately but tonight when I was talking to him he got really upset for no reason apparently. This really got to me becausebhe signed off immediately and I felt tears come to my eyes. I hate when my boyfriend is mad at me but sometimes I think that I shouldn't care as much as I do. Is it normal for girls to let their boyfriend bother them this much?? Or do I care TOO much???

Signed: Hate When My Boyfriend Is Mad At Me

Dear Hate When My Boyfriend Is Mad At Me,

TeenHealthFX would like you to think about the difference between your boyfriend being mad at you for something you did, versus your boyfriend taking anger out on you because he is stressed and in a bad mood about things that have nothing to do with you. One reason you may be getting so upset is that you are taking his anger personally when it may have nothing to do with you. Think about a parent who has a long, stressful day at work and comes home and is snappy and irritable when dealing with the rest of the family. The family didn’t do anything – but, unfortunately, they are the ones who that parent is taking his/her work frustration out on. And the same kind of thing can happen in dating relationships.

If your boyfriend seems mad at you, think about whether he is reacting to something you did or he is angry about something else and just taking it out on you. If you see that you did something that might have been hurtful or inconsiderate, then the two of you need to talk about that and work through it. If you feel that he is just in an irritable mood about something else and is just taking out his irritation on you, consider taking the following steps:

Remind yourself not to take it personally. Say something to yourself like, “I don’t like when he acts this way towards me, but I need to remember right now that this is not about me. He is just stressed and in a bad mood and I shouldn’t take this personally.”

In the moment when you feel your boyfriend is acting in an angry way with you say something like, “Wow, I can really see how stressed out and angry you are right now. If there is something I can do to help, I’d be happy to – but, if not, maybe you just need some alone time right now and we should check in with each other later.”

If he takes some time to himself, remind yourself again that this is nothing personal, and that he just needs his time to cool down and deal with whatever is stressing him out before he can interact with you (or anyone else) in a decent way.

At a later time when both of you are calm, let your boyfriend know that you understand that at times he will be stressed and angry, but that you really want him to try and not take it out on you when what he is frustrated with things that have nothing to do with you. Let him know the specific things he does when he is angry that feel hurtful to you. And try and brainstorm together about some alternate things he can do when he is angry to get the stress out (like go running, life weights, or anything else to relieve his stress).

If you need any further guidance with this situation, consider speaking to a trusted adult, such as one of your parents or a school counselor. If you find that with time he is unable to control his temper with you and/or you are having a hard time not taking his stress personally, please speak with a trusted adult for guidance and support.

Signed: TeenHealthFX