TeenHealthFX - Answers - Friend Is Shoplifting, And Now I Am, Too

Concerned About A Friend / Concerned About A Friend's Influence On Me / Question
Published: May 6, 2009

Dear TeenHealthFX,

Hi I am a 14 year old female and I have a problem with my best friend.We only became best friends a year ago. There are several good things about her.She helps me with my studies(i could have never gotten an A without her),she helps me when I'm feeling down and we have lots and lots of fun together and we just cannot live without each other.But although she's a great friend and we always have fun there is one slight problem...Every afternoon after school and sometimes on weekends the two of us go to the mall together and recently my best friend has been shoplifting. As if thats not bad enough she literally makes me do it too!! I've NEVER even thought about shoplifting before and now I'm actually stealing things from stores!! I don't know what to do. I'm afraid we'll get caught and get our parents or even the police called and I have a great relationship with my parents which I would never dream of ruining. But most of all I'm concerned about my friend. I hate stealing it makes me feel guilty. My friend has all these other good qualities and I don't want to end our friendship but at the same time I want her to STOP STEALING and stop making me steal as well. Please help. Thanks.

Signed: Friend Is Shoplifting, And Now I Am, Too

Dear Friend Is Shoplifting, And Now I Am, Too,

It sounds to TeenHealthFX like you are feeling very torn here. On one hand there is a part of you that feels morally opposed to the idea of stealing and, subsequently, feels guilty when you and your friend shoplift. But on the other hand, there is a part of you that is willing to go along with her since you have been shoplifting with her. FX would like to correct one thing you said – it is impossible for your friend to “literally make” you shoplift. She doesn’t have the power to make you do anything or the ability to control your thoughts, feelings, and actions – in the end it is completely your choice and responsibility if you decide to shoplift with her.

You have several choices as to what to do: you could shoplift with her, you can choose not to say anything about her shoplifting, but refuse to shoplift along with her, you can tell her that you are really opposed to the idea of stealing and will not keep her company at the time she shoplifts, or you could end the friendship. She is responsible for her own shoplifting and creating a situation for you where you need to make a tough choice. But, again, the choice you do make in the end is completely in your power and control and is ultimately your responsibility.

What FX does wonder is what has made you decide to go along with her? Are you afraid she’ll be mad at you or end the friendship if you don’t steal with her or if you tell her you have a problem with what she is doing? Is there a part of you that gets a rush or thrill out of it? Do you feel obligated in some way to do this with her because she has been there for you (like with your studies)? Do you worry she’ll see you in some negative way if you refuse to steal – like think you’re being a “baby” or too much of a “goodie-goodie”?

FX thinks it would be helpful for you to think about why you participate in the stealing and then to talk to your friend about it. If, for example, you are worried the friendship would end, you could say something to your friend like, “Look, you are one of my best friends. We have so much fun together and you have been there for me in so many ways. But I’m having a real problem with the shoplifting. I’m not comfortable doing it and I don’t want to be with you during the times you are doing it. But I’m worried that because I feel this way you might be mad at me or not want to be friends anymore.” Then talk it out with your friend.

You could also say something like, “There are so many things we do that are really fun. And I love when we hang out. But the shoplifting is not fun to me. It feels wrong to me, I feel guilty and I’m constantly worried about getting into trouble. That is not my idea of fun. So, when we’re together I’d rather do something else than shoplift. I guess I’m not totally sure why you want to do it. What makes you want to shoplift so much? Don’t you have enough fun with the other stuff we do together?” That way you are letting her know how you feel about it and you are also raising the concern you have about her choices.

FX thinks it would be helpful for you to find a trusted adult you can talk to about this. You could speak to a school counselor, teacher or extended family member. Or you could talk to your parents, even using hypothetical situations if you don’t want to immediately talk to them about what is currently going on. FX thinks that it is important for you to have some support and guidance as you figure out how you want to deal with this.

Signed: TeenHealthFX