Significant Others: Girlfriends & Boyfriends / Question
Published: May 6, 2009
Dear TeenHealthFX,
Hi my name is Xxxxxxxx. I'm a junior in high school and in a semi-distant relationship with a boy I have been in a relationship with for over a year. So, here is my problem. My boyfriend can be a very funny, loving person. But the other side of that is that he is very critical, especially of me. I'm a person who is sensitive to criticism and I take it personally, so everytime he critcizes me it's very hurtful (but who wouldn't think it'd be hurtful?) I wouldn't think something was wrong if it happened only once in a while, but every time we're together, he starts telling me what I'm doing wrong, what I can't do, etc. Example: I came over to his home one day. We were sitting on his couch watching TV. We were watching some cartoon show about girl genuises, and I started laughing and said "Man, I wish I was smart enough to do all that cool stuff." He turned to me and said blatantly "You'll never be that smart, so don't think about that." Also, everytime we're on the phone and I can't hear him, he accuses me of "never listening/not using my ears/being too dumb or deaf to hear him", even if it's because I am getting bad reception. He says "I was just joking/teasing/kidding", but I think there's truth to every "just kidding". He once told me he thought I was way too good for him, so I wonder if him bringing me down is just his way of making himself feel better? It's especially bad around his friends. Then the gloves come off and his comments really sting. My friends in turn have also noticed how he treats me. Some get really angry and say "just dump his a**" but others tell me to try and give him another chance (which is why my emotions are so conflicting). But one chance has turned into twenty. We've talked about it many times and he always tells me he'll change, but nothing happens. And I always end up feeling horrible for having to ask him to change. The thing is...I really do believe I love him. But sometimes, I just get so angry at him, that the love almost turns to ha
Signed: My Boyfriend Can Be Very Critical Of Me
Dear My Boyfriend Can Be Very Critical Of Me,
TeenHealthFX is very concerned about this relationship you are in. We can’t possible know why your boyfriend treats you this way. Maybe he feels inferior in some way and pumps himself up by putting you down. Maybe he has an angry side to him. Maybe he has some serious issues with how he feels about women in general. We can’t possibly know why, but in the end it doesn’t matter as far as what you need to do. What does matter is that how he is treating you is absolutely not okay, you have communicated to him that you want him to stop this, and he has continued to treat you in an unacceptable manner.
FX does not want you to feel badly about asking him to stop treating you this way. When he puts you down in the ways you described he is being disrespectful, hostile, condescending, demeaning and cruel to you. That is not love – that is not the way caring partners should be treating each other. What it is – it’s verbally and emotionally abusive.
FX thinks that it is very important for you to sit down with your boyfriend one more time and let him know what exactly needs to change. Don’t go into this conversation feeling badly or apologetic for what you are asking of him – but go into it feeling strong and justified in what you are asking, and with the attitude that you have every right to demand that someone in your life (especially someone who claims he loves you) should treat you with care and respect. Let him know this is his last chance to make a change or you will need to end the relationship. FX understands that there is a part of you that cares about the other side of his personality that he has – but understand that if you continue to go along with his behavior, he will just feel more and more entitled to treat you this way and may even get more abusive with time. If he thinks you’ll put up with it and that you will never really end the relationship, he will have no motivation to change.
Remember, too, that there are plenty of wonderful people out there who are funny and loving and who are not verbally abusive. If it doesn’t work out with your current boyfriend keep in mind that there are other guys out there who will be more emotionally able to be in a healthy relationship with you.
If you find you are having trouble figuring out what to do, FX recommends that you speak with a trusted adult such as a school counselor, your parents, a private therapist, an extended family member or anyone else who can be there for you with guidance and support. This is especially important if you find you continue to be willing to tolerate this behavior for the sake of keeping the relationship or you continue to have difficulty feeling it is okay for you to demand to be treated better.
If you live in northern
If you live in New Jersey you can contact JBWS (Jersey Battered Women’s Services) at 973-267-4763. This phone number is a 24 hour confidential helpline. Outside of NJ you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) – 1-800-787-3224 (TTY line for deaf callers) – 24 hours, 7days a week.
You can recommend Choices to your boyfriend. Choices is a counseling group through JBWS (Jersey Battered Women’s Services) for male teens, ages 12-17, who have begun using abuse in relationships. If your boyfriend lives in northern New Jersey and wants to learn more about the Choices program, he can call 973-539-7801.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
Persons aged 15-24, who represent only 14% of the 
