TeenHealthFX - Answers - Stuck In The Middle Of My Parents' Problems Since I Was Little

Parents & Family / Question
Published: June 10, 2009

Dear TeenHealthFX,

Hey, I have a problem with my parents thats been going on since i was little. (I'm a 16 year old female). A few days ago my dad decided one night that he wanted to go to Florida to see his Grandpa, so he told my mom that night and left in the morning. My mom was so upset that he just makes plans without telling her in advance. So now my dads away but he keeps calling to check in and my mom is asking me as a favor not to pick up the phone. She is si pissed off, not only at this but my dad can sometimes be inconsiderate and they have a lot of problems. They go through cycles of fighting and being okay, and my mom sees it. It's been going on for so long and its so annoying and painful to watch. Now i don't know what to do because my dad can seriously be a mean jerk sometimes, and speak a little abusively if he gets mad, but thats how he was raised so I understand why my mom can get upset with the way he treates her. But I want to answer the phone caue he's my dad he's just checking in and he's gonna be mad at me when he gets home and i didn't talk to him. My mom told me that if he asks, I can just tell him it was her idea but I just don't like being caught in the middle of their fights. They've talked about divorce before but neither of them will actually make the move because they thought it would be better to stay together for everyone's sake but sometimes i just wish they would. anyway, sorry this is long but I can't take it anymore! I feel like crap all the time about so many things and I don't need this too. Please give me some advice! Thank you.

Signed: Stuck In The Middle Of My Parents' Problems Since I Was Little

Dear Stuck In The Middle Of My Parents' Problems Since I Was Little,

TeenHealthFX appreciates that you are dealing with a very difficult problem that many teens of divorced parents or parents in conflict deal with – feeling stuck in the middle of their parents’ relationship issues. It sounds like you can see where each of your parents is coming from as to why they act the way they do and that you can also see ways in which each of your parents are contributing to the relationship problems in their marriage. But it also sounds like you clearly feel – and rightly so – like their relationships issues should be their own and that you should not be pulled into the middle of it.

FX suggests that you start by discussing this with your parents – either together or with each one separately. Let them know that you can see the difficulties in their marriage, that you get that they can get angry with each other at times, and that you understand that these marital issues much cause them a great deal of sadness, anger and stress. But be clear with them that you would appreciate if you could be kept out of it relationship issues that are really just between the two of them because it is difficult and painful for you to feel stuck in the middle. Give your parents examples of things they may say and do that end up putting you in the middle of their conflicts so they have a clear sense of what you would like them not to do in the future. In addition, let your parents know that by staying in contact with both of them it has nothing to do with taking sides, but is simply about your wanting to have both your mother and your father in your life. For example, with your mother, you can let her know that you do not approve of the ways in which your father treats her at times, but that he is still and will always be your father – and although she may want to cut him out of her life (if she wants a divorce), that is something you are not ready or willing to do at this point. And while you understand that may be hard for her to understand, you hope she can come to accept that for now.

If you find that these conversations do not go well or do not have the effect you would like, you could consider meeting with a therapist to get some guidance and support on how to deal with this issue – learning what decisions to make and ways to react to various situations where you can take yourself out of the “stuck in the middle” position. A therapist can also include your parents in some sessions (either together or each of them individually) so that you can discuss these issues with them with a professional present who can help to guide the discussion in the way that will hopefully be useful and productive.

FX is sorry that you are dealing with such a difficult situation at home and hopes that you will talk to your parents about this soon and/or reach out for help from a therapist. You should not have to be stuck in the middle of your parents’ relationship problems with one another. FX hopes with time and some work your parents will become more conscious of not doing that to you and that you will also learn how to keep yourself out of this difficult position.

If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

Signed: TeenHealthFX