TeenHealthFX - Answers - My Mom Is Controlling And I Feel Like I Need To Leave

Parents & Family / Question
Published: August 10, 2009

Dear TeenHealthFX,

I need to leave now. My mum is way to controlling and can not let me even speak. She makes huge arguments about something so small. In fact she want me to be her. I feel like a doll and she's playing me. Nothing is going for me. I haven't seen my friends for two months. My mum doesn't trust me to see them. She shouts at me and refuses to let me leave. My friends know something is up. I used to be a popular guy, but now signing on to msn is depressing. I keep getting asked by about 20 people when I'm out. What do I tell them? "oh I'm 17 and not allowed to leave the house after 4" it's too hard to say. Not only that but I can't choose my future job. I want to box. This isn't a joke, I'm an amatuer boxer that hasn't lost in 20 bouts so really I can be pro... But my mum won't let me. She stopped taking me to sessions because I didn't eat some fruit she made. Now she says I'm weak and underweight... I'm a freaking light heavyweight at 162lbs and muscluar and very fit. That's not all. She wants me to a dentist. Ok I'm smart but I shouldn't be forced to do something I hate. Now my life is 3 hours studying 3 hours training all at HOME!!!! this is pathetic. I want to live. My plan is a dream now. My friends are gone. We just shout shout shout. Just now she made me cancel plans I had to have breakfast with this girl tomorrow. At 2 in the night age tells me?!!?? So I need to wake up early and call this girl to tell her I'm sorry I know it's been 3 months but I have to cancel. Cmon this is pathetic. She says she doesn't know this girl!!!! I'm fed up. Now I found out my mum reads my texts made me really mad. I seem to laugh at my life. What can I do? I haven't seen anyone for a long time. I can't leave the house and now my mum has stopped what was a promising career for me!!

Signed: My Mom Is Controlling And I Feel Like I Need To Leave

Dear My Mom Is Controlling And I Feel Like I Need To Leave,

TeenHealthFX can appreciate your frustration here. It sounds like the rules of the house are overly rigid and strict given that you are 17, and it also seems as if certain boundaries are being crossed in terms of your texts being read. It must also be hurtful and irritating to you that she isn’t supporting the career you would like to pursue, but is thinking more about what career she would like to see you in rather than what is most meaningful to you. More than dealing with the issues we just listed, FX is particularly sympathetic that you are your mother have not had the kind of relationship where you can discuss these issues and work them out between yourselves. It sounds like the two of you have a very difficult time communicating to one another – and rather than resolving these issues the two of you fight and things get even worse.

Before you focus on leaving your home and severing ties with your mother, FX suggests that you think about whether there is any possibility that the two of you can address these issues together. FX thinks it would be great if you could communicate how you feel in a way that is calm rather than angry. Whether you speak to her directly or write what you want to say in a letter – it is important for the sake of your relationship that you convey to her the anger and pain you feel regarding the rules of the house, the plans for your career, and the difficulties the two of you have had in communicating in a calm and effective way. It would also be helpful for you to reflect on the ways in which you have contributed to the relationship being the way it is and take responsibility for that as well. (FX feels strongly that in any relationship both people have some way of contributing to make the relationship the way it is). Ask her if the two of you could try to talk, calmly and responsibly, about some of these issues so that things can feel better for you and between the two of you. You can even suggest that you meet together with a family therapist if the two of you have trouble doing this on your own so that you have a third party there to help you and guide you as you work towards resolving these issues.

If, for whatever reason, you are unable to resolve this with your mother, FX thinks that it would be helpful for you to come up with a plan for yourself about how to deal with this situation. This plan should include how to deal with your mother’s behavior and comments in the most effective way possible, as well as a plan that will help you to live the kind of life you want to live. Once you are 18 you are free to live where you want and how you want. If you want to live in another town, if you want to live alone or with roommates, if you want to pursue boxing or dental school – all this will be up to you. But to make it happen in the way that you want, it will be helpful for you to have some guidance from a trusted adult as to how handle the career, living, and financial issues that will come up if you are to be self-sufficient at 18. FX thinks it will be important for you to think about which adults you can reach out to for various kinds of help – you might want to see a therapist to help you deal with your emotions around this situation and to work with you on developing effective ways to deal with your mother that don’t lead to escalating conflicts and your being so angry. You might also check with an extended family member, the parent of a friend, a school counselor, or a teacher about making financial and career plans for yourself for the next few years. Finally, you might want to think about living options for yourself – is there somewhere else you can live (with an extended family member or friend) while you make whatever plans you need to in order to be able to live on your own, or whether you need to stay with your mother until you can afford to move out.

Ideally, FX thinks it would be great for you to be able to work these issues out with your mother – whether alone or with the help of a family therapist. FX imagines it would feel better to you to have a closer, less strained relationship with your mother, as well as t o have her help and support in pursuing the kind of life you want to lead. However, if you feel this is really impossible to achieve, then you need to focus on what kind of life you want to lead and what you are going to need to do to get there. And you will need to think of what adults you can turn to for help and guidance along the way.

If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

You can also call the National Runaway Switchboard at 1-800-621-4000, 24 hours, 7 days a week. This hotline offers help if you have runaway or thinking of running away.

Signed: TeenHealthFX