Significant Others: Girlfriends & Boyfriends / Question
Published: September 15, 2009
Dear TeenHealthFX,
Im really really confused..Me and my boyfriend have been dating on and off for almost a year..we broke up twice because of a girl, he claims that he went over her house to hang out with her brother and one day she kissed him, yet, when I spoke to her, she said that he always came over to see her, and he let her kiss him. We we're sexually active before that, and when I thought I was pregnant, he came back, but after finding out I wasn't, he wen't back to her..we were still friends, and she seemed controlling, I was still hurt inside, but he was still my best friend, and they broke up, and me and him are back together, but them being together still upsets me, and one day I found that he was talking to her on AIM and the last thing he said was "I love you". I confronted him about it and he said it wasnt how I thought he was, that he only says that to her because she wants to feel good about herself..but, I know thats a lie, I dont know why he keeps lying to me..If we get in an argument, he cries and says hes sorry, and he wont do it again and that he wants my trust..but everytime he starts to get it back, an incidient with the girl happens again..what do i do?
Signed: Confused About Who My Boyfriend Really Loves
Dear Confused About Who My Boyfriend Really Loves,
Right now it seems like you and your boyfriend are caught in this pattern – this cycle of behaviors where he acts in an untrustworthy, uncaring way to you, you then become upset, he acts remorseful, and then you take him back. All kinds of relationships including friendships, dating relationships, marital relationships, and even parent-child relationships can cycle through unhealthy patterns of relating. When a person finds themselves in some kind of unhealthy relationship cycle, it is important to remember a few things:
· It is easy for these kinds of relationship cycles to go on for a very long time. It will take at least one person in the relationship to decide to do something different in order for an unhealthy cycle to be broken.
· You cannot change the other person in the relationship. If you are banking on them making the change or waiting around for them to do something different, you could find yourself waiting for a very, very long time – in fact, you may never see a change in that person.
· The only person you have power and control over is yourself – so if you want to change the cycle of relating you are in, then YOU have to do something DIFFERENT.
If you find you do not want to be in this cycle with your boyfriend anymore, you need to decide how you want to handle things differently with him. For example, if your response once he shows remorse and becomes apologetic is to forgive and take him back – consider doing something different. You might consider saying something like, “I know you’re saying you feel badly and you want my trust, but we’ve been here too many times before and I can’t give you my trust and be in a relationship with you until you show me through actions, not words, that you are someone I can trust. Until I see a difference in how you act over a decent period of time, than I’m not going to be able to trust you and I’m going to need some space from you and this relationship.” What this will entail for you is being okay about putting distance in the relationship until when and if he is able to prove to you he can be trustworthy and caring towards you. Taking a stand is the only way to break the cycle – but don’t bother taking the stand if you don’t mean or don’t feel you can really go through with it. If you don’t think you can commit to taking a stand and breaking the unhealthy cycle, then you need to reach out for help from a trusted adult to figure out why you continue to be drawn to this person and the cycle.
Again, FX thinks that what would be most helpful here is for you to find a trusted adult whom you can talk to about this. You would benefit greatly from the opportunity to have a dialog with an adult who can provide you some support and guidance as you deal with this situation and relationship. Relationships and dealing with problems in relationships can be very complex things to figure out – the opportunity to bounce thoughts, feelings, and ideas off of someone else could be very helpful to you – ideas about how to deal with this person as well as guidance in understanding what keeps you connected to someone who treats you in an uncaring and disrespectful way by being so untrustworthy. You can speak to a parent, extended family member, school counselor, parent of a friend, teacher, private therapist or any other trustworthy adult for support and guidance.
If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
Girls are more likely to intentionally abuse prescription drugs than boys.
