TeenHealthFX - Answers - Mom Thinks I Self-Cut When I Didn't

Parents & Family / Question
Published: September 15, 2009

Dear TeenHealthFX,

I accidently cut myself picking up shards of glass from a cup i broke, and had to go get stitches. now my mom's freaking out. i used to cut, and was hospitalized for it. i haven't cut for almost 4 years now. how do i convince my mom it was an accident, not me cutting?

Signed: Mom Thinks I Self-Cut When I Didn't

Dear Mom Thinks I Self-Cut When I Didn't,

TeenHeathFX suggests that you start by thinking about, and talking with your mother about, why she would think you started cutting again after 4 years rather than trusting that this was simply an accident with some broken glass. How to most effectively deal with this trust issue with your mother about this will depend on why she is “freaking out.” FX offers you two possible reasons for your mother’s current reaction below and what to do depending on each reason.

One possibility is that your mother has some valid reason for feeling concerned about how you are doing emotionally. For example, if she experiences you as easily depressed or irritable, as keeping to yourself a lot, as not being very open or communicable with her about your emotions or what is going on in your life in general, if she sees you as dealing with some difficult stressors, or has any other causes for concern – it might make her quickly jump to a conclusion that you are cutting again rather than believing this was simply an accident.

FX suggests that you think about your behavior and typical style of relating to her lately to see if there is any reason she might have good cause to wonder about your accident. If you can see that you have exhibited some signs and symptoms recently that your mother might associate with cutting, then it’s important to talk to her about that. For example, if you’ve been under a lot of stress lately, you could say something to her like, “I know I’ve been under a lot of stress lately, and that you can tell I’ve been under stress. And I could see that you might associate that to cutting. But I want you to know that I have learned how to deal with stress in a healthier way. I do get stressed, but I don’t feel the need to resort to cutting at this point in my life.” Then you can let her know what you do instead when you are stressed and reassure her that that was then, this is now, and your cutting is not something she needs to worry about at this point in time. You might even make a pledge to her that if you ever cut or have the urge to cut you will come and tell her right away so that she doesn’t have to worry about finding out in a more indirect way.

Another possibility is that seeing you cut and with stitches may have simply brought your mother back to a time that was very emotionally difficult for her. It is generally very painful for parents to see their children going through difficult times. When you were cutting four years ago FX can imagine that your mother was feeling extremely sad and concerned by what you were going through. In addition, it is very possible that she was often feeling confused by your self-cutting, as it is often difficult for people who have never self-cut or had any kind of urge to self-harm to wrap their arms around the idea of cutting. Finally, your mother might have also felt angry with herself that you got to the point in your life of feeling enough distress that you resorted to cutting – that she didn’t recognize your distress and be of help to you before it got to that point. Whatever the specific emotions were, FX feels it’s safe to say that this was a very emotional time for your mother. For her to get any kind of reminder of what went on four years ago or to have the slightest reason for concern (like a cut on broken glass), it might just pull her right back to that time. Rather than staying in a rational place about the situation and being able to see this incident as simply an accident, her reaction to you is based in the fear, anxiety and pain of the past that has bubbled up again because of your accident.

If you think your mother’s reaction is not really based on any signs and symptoms coming from you, but more on her re-experiencing the fear and pain she felt the last time she saw you with a cut, the it’s important for you to point out the difference of where you were in your life then and where you are in your life now. Give her specific examples of the signs and symptoms that were evident four years ago, but that are no longer an issue. Let her know the ways in which you do deal with any negative emotions and experiences at this point in your life so she sees you have other outlets and coping mechanisms besides cutting. Again, you might make a pledge to her to tell her if your feelings ever change in the future and you cut or have the urge to cut.

Obviously there is definitely the possibility that your mother’s reaction to your accident is based on something else altogether. So the most important thing here will be for you to sit down with your mother, talk with her about why she having trouble trusting you, and working together to figure out how to restore that trust and your mother’s sense of faith in your emotional well-being. If you find that it is difficult for the two of you to address this issue of trust on your own, then FX suggests the two of you meet with a therapist who can help to facilitate your working this out. You can find a new family therapist, or, if you were in therapy four years ago, reach out to that therapist and see if he/she would meet with you and your mother for a few sessions to address this current relationship issue.

You can’t “make” your mother believe you – there is no way to guarantee she will believe you. But you can let her know how important it is to you that she have faith and trust in you, and that it is critical to you that you and she be able to talk and work things out if ever trust is an issue around cutting or any other matter.

If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.

Signed: TeenHealthFX