Significant Others: Girlfriends & Boyfriends / Question
Published: September 23, 2009
Dear TeenHealthFX,
This is sort of a time sensitive question so if you can't get back to me I understand. A few months ago I was dumped by my long-term boyfriend. For the last two months,he has been far away and I do nothing but pretend I'm alright and then cry when I get the chance. I know that you're going to recommend therapy for that but I am slowly starting to cope with it more every day on my own. Anyways, my ex is coming back in town for just the day and wants to meet me for lunch. Whenever we talk on the phone, it's small talk and I never get to tell him how I feel because he always has to go. He has no idea how much this has hurt me or what's been going on in my life at all. I'm not sure if seeing him is a good idea. All I want more than anything in the world is to see him again, even if it's just a hug. I know that sounds pathetic, but I know that he wants to see me too. The only reason we broke up is because he moved away. I'm completely still in love with him. I really don't see what one lunch could do, maybe it would give me a better idea of how he feels about me at this point. He did say that we might get back together someday when our circumstances were better. I know this sounds pathetic, but even if I don't see him, knowing he is in town and I can't see him will make me just as upset. I won't go into it expecting anything, but I still don't know if this is a good idea. After all this time, I've worked so hard trying to let him go. Is one lunch really going to change that? What should I do? I told him I would have to think about it. Any help would be appreciated, thanks!
Signed: Do I Go For Lunch With My Ex?
Dear Do I Go For Lunch With My Ex?,
TeenHealthFX can’t tell you what to do or what the right decision for you is in this situation. What we can suggest is that you focus on what will be the best for you in the long run. The fact that you are even writing to us about this suggests that there is some part of you that is concerned about how a meeting with him might affect you. It has obviously been a long road for you in terms of healing from this break-up – and it sounds like, while you have made some progress, you are still working through a lot of painful feelings. So you have to decide whether seeing him for lunch would help or would make it harder to let him, the relationships, and your negative emotions go.
Sometimes something that might feel good immediately is not necessarily in our best interest for the long run. Think about someone in substance abuse treatment. They may have gone months without using their drug of choice and are gradually getting better. One day they find themselves in a situation where they can take one hit – while that one hit might feel great in the moment and like a tremendous relief, in the end that one hit can become a really terrible bump in the road to recovery, actually making the path to getting well that much harder. So seeing your ex for lunch – would it be like getting one “hit” you desperately crave and that will feel good in the moment, but then make it harder for you in the long run to heal and to let him and the relationship go? Only you can know if meeting with him would be to your detriment or benefit in the long-term.
Since it does sound like you are torn, and it is not our place to tell you what you should do here, FX is wondering if you have an adult you can speak to about this. It sounds like you could use someone to dialog with – a person with whom you can bounce your thoughts, feelings, and concerns off of so you can get some help and guidance in figuring out what the best decision is for you. You could speak to a parent, friend’s parents, extended family member, teacher, school counselor, or any other trusted adult who can give you the kind of feedback that will help you know what you need to do for you.
As for our recommending therapy, FX thinks that therapy can be a useful resource when people are dealing with some kind of mental illness, but also when people are dealing with some kind of special life circumstance that is causing sadness, pain, anger, or stress. If you feel like you are on an upward slope and therapy is not something you want to pursue right now, that is fine. However, if you ever find that your reaction to this break-up is strongly affecting you or interfering in your life in any way (i.e., you are isolating from peers, having trouble in school, are finding that your mood is more depressed or irritable than bright, etc.), then FX hopes you will consider therapy and see it as a place where you can get guidance and support to help you get through a difficult time more easily.
If you live in northern New Jersey and need help finding a therapist you can call the Access Center from Atlantic Behavioral Health at 973-247-1400. Outside of this area you can log onto the US Department of Health and Human Services Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration website for referrals in your area. You can also contact your insurance company to get a list of in-network mental health providers or check with your school social worker or psychologist to get a list of referrals in your area.
Signed: TeenHealthFX
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